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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
air
Use synonyms
 travel is the most popular mode of transit in almost all countries around the world. Some people choose not to fly frequently, and some suggest not
to fly
Wrong verb form
flying
show examples
 at all.
While
Linking Words
 there are certain drawbacks to
this
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 situation , I firmly believe that the merits far outweigh the demerits.
Body paragraph 1
It is argued that international and global businesses can be seriously affected if there is less
air
Use synonyms
 travel. Travelling by flight is commonplace among long-distance travellers, especially businessmen, to establish international relationships. Flying less means there will be slow meetings
,
Correct word choice
and
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 a long implementation process , which can lower the progress of these international companies. The slower the progress, the less revenue and profit a company makes.
As a result
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, it can attract fewer international investors to the country and
consequently
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 affect the global economy.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, despite the potential negative aspects of travelling less by plane, I contend that the positive aspects exceed them significantly.
Firstly
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, it can ease the strain on the environment significantly. By limiting
air
Use synonyms
 travel, there will be a dramatic decrease in toxic gases emitted into the
air
Use synonyms
. It can reduce the level of pollution in the
air
Use synonyms
, but it
also
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 prevents those gases from destroying the ozone layer, which prevents the earth from harmful rays of the sun.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it can act as a catalyst for the public to take action on environmental issues. These days, topics
such
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 as global warming and
air
Use synonyms
 pollution are not new to people. Despite public awareness about these pressing problems, efforts to combat them are rarely seen, not because there is an unwillingness to do so, but because no proper action can be taken individually.
For instance
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, a survey conducted at Yangon University shows that around 80% of students knew the impacts of global warming , and most of them had no idea what they could do to prevent
this
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 threatening condition.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 there could be some downsides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 fewer flies by each person, in my view, the merits of
this
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 intervention far outweigh them.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, provided that the government and public work collaboratively, it can be implemented successfully in the near future.

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task response
State your view clearly and keep it the same from start to end. You say the good points are stronger, and this is clear.
task response
Explain the key point more fully: why does less flying lead to less harm to the earth, and why is this harm more important than slower business work? Add a direct link between each point and your main view.
task response
Your business point is useful, but some ideas are too broad. Give one clear case, such as a firm that needs fast trips to meet a new client or sign a deal.
task response
The student survey is linked to the topic, but it does not fully prove that flying less will make people act more. Explain how this change would lead to real action, such as using trains or taking fewer trips.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: opening with your view, one paragraph on bad points, one paragraph on good points, and a short end. Your essay mostly follows this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first line of each body paragraph show its main point. For example: “Less flying may slow down some world business.” Then give reasons and one case.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas need to be clearer. For example, after “slow meetings,” explain why this must lead to less profit; it may not always do so.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid adding a new main idea in the last paragraph. The point about the government and the public working together is not developed before the end. Put it in the body or leave it out.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view that the gains for the earth are more important.
task response
Your points about air pollution, harmful gases, and business travel are on topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, body paragraphs for both sides, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “Firstly,” “Secondly,” “However,” and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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