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Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages fo this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
With the boost of healthcare systems in developed and developing countries a few
decade
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decades
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 ago, infant mortality rates reduced.
Furthermore
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,
the
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with the
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adent
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advent
 of novel and sophisticated fertility treatments and procedures, a lot more people were able to have children. Both these causes have now
lead
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led
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 these countries into the predicament of having a higher percentage of young adult citizens.
Body paragraph 1
A majority population of young adults, comprising mostly
of
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apply
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people in their late teens and through their
twenties
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twenties,
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 is generally a sign of high potential and growth. People in
this
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 age demographic tend to be highly energetic and ambitious, pursuing new horizons and are
well positioned
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well-positioned
 to generate wealth for the country's economy.
This
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 would mean more business, more jobs and a growth in GDP.
Body paragraph 2
While
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this
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 is great news for any country that wants to climb the ranks of a global economy, it's important to bear in mind that most youngsters have not yet seen failure. They do not have the wisdom that only comes from trial and error. They
also
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 tend to have a higher risk appetite and a not much to lose attitude.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, an older age demographic population is pragmatic and more measured. They have Meade and learnt from their mistakes, are calculative when opening lines of credit and living on debt. They usually have a family, which indicates a more
safety prone decision making
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safety-prone decision-making
 pattern that would sit on the other side of an ambition spectrum.
While
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this
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 sounds balanced, they usually lack the time, energy and risk appetite to pursue difficult businesses and absorb the impact of failure.
Conclusion
Considering all the above data points, my deduction is that the pros of having a younger citizen population outweigh the cons. Economic growth generates more wealth for the country and provides
them
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it
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 with a stronger say in many socio-economic tables at a global scale.
This
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 would
in-turn
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, in turn,
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also
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 generate a pattern of early education and grooming patterns for future young generations of these countries to learn and groom out the current disadvantages of being a young majority.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first paragraph. Say directly that the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Stay closer to the main question. The first paragraph spends too much time on why there are more young people, but the task asks about the good and bad effects.
task response
Explain the bad side more fully. For example, a large young group may face few jobs, low pay, or stress if the country cannot give enough work.
task response
Use one clear example for each main point. You could mention young workers starting new firms, and jobless young people needing state help.
coherence and cohesion
Your four body paragraphs have a clear order, but the two points about young and old people do not always link back to advantages and disadvantages for the country.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one main idea, then explain it, then show its result. This will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words carefully, such as “First”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”. Avoid using many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some wording makes the meaning less clear. For example, replace “not much to lose attitude” with “they may take more risks because they have fewer duties.”
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and spelling, as these can slow the reader down. Examples include “a few decades ago”, “advent”, “have led”, and “made and learnt”.
task response
You give a clear final view that a younger population brings more good than bad.
task response
You identify useful main ideas: young people can work hard, start new work, and help the economy grow.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast well when you move from the strengths of young people to the strengths and limits of older people.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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