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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people have health issues because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reason for this and how can it be solved

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Introduction
At present,
health
Use synonyms
 problems caused by
people
Use synonyms
's unhealthy lifestyles are an increasingly growing concern in many countries. I would argue that
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 do not consciously choose to live
unhealthy
Replace the word
unhealthily
, but that poor habits are a consequence of work-related
stress
Use synonyms
 and social
media
Use synonyms
 excessive use.
While
Linking Words
 there are many ways to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue, I believe that employers should provide
health
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-related subsidies, and governments should fund campaigns to raise awareness on the risks of excessive screen
time
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, in a society which is notoriously competitive,
people
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 suffer from
increasignly
Correct your spelling
increasingly
 high levels of work-related
stress
Use synonyms
 and anxiety. It is well known that high
level
Check wording
levels
show examples
 of
stress
Use synonyms
 can have a detrimental impact on the human body, and can eventually result in mental breakdown or physical issues,
such
Linking Words
 as extreme fatigue or persistent intestinal
poblems
Correct your spelling
problems
.
Moreover
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,
stress
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 compromise
people
Use synonyms
's eating habits. Generally speaking, when
people
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 are under a lot of pressure,
tent
Use the right word
they tend
show examples
 to cope by eating
unhealthy
Replace the word
unhealthily
.
This
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 may
results
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in dangerous habits,
such
Linking Words
 as binge eating.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, excessive screen
time
Use synonyms
 can lead to a sedentary lifestyle. If
people
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 spend their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 on social
media
Use synonyms
, they will
consequently
Linking Words
 have less available
time
Use synonyms
 for working out or engaging in
outdoors
Correct word choice
outdoor
show examples
 activities,
whith
Correct your spelling
with
 a negative impact on their
overall
Linking Words
health
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. For
istance
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instance
, many studies show that the obesity rates in young
people
Use synonyms
 are growing, and that screen
time
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 negatively contributes to
this
Linking Words
 trend.
Body paragraph 3
One possible solution to
this
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 problem
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 could be providing the employees with
health
Use synonyms
-related subsidies,
such
Linking Words
 as
sweeming
Correct your spelling
swimming
 lessons or gym subscriptions.
This
Linking Words
 may be beneficial for
people
Use synonyms
's mental and physical
health
Use synonyms
, because it would
incentivate
Correct your spelling
incentivise
 regular exercise, without impacting their finances. Another solution could be for the governments to organise awareness campaigns on the correct and balanced use of social
media
Use synonyms
, for both adults and young
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, seminars could be
heald
Correct your spelling
held
 in schools on the consequences of a sedentary lifestyle.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that
health
Use synonyms
-related issues are mainly caused by
stressfull
Correct your spelling
stressful
 jobs and extreme use of social
media
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 these are difficult issues to solve, I think that the combined effort of employers and governments can have a positive impact on
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts clearly. You explain the causes and give ways to help, but add one more strong idea about why people keep these habits, such as low cost fast food or long travel to work.
task response
Make the link between each cause and each answer more direct. For example, after stress, explain how help at work can cut stress as well as help people exercise.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more real and clear. Explain what a school talk may ask young people to do, such as set a daily phone time limit and take part in sport.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body parts, and end. To make the flow even better, use clear links between the cause part and the answer part, such as “To deal with these two causes”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from stress to food habits; this is linked, but add a short line to show why stress leads to unhealthy eating.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some lines are long and have many ideas. Split them into two shorter lines so the reader can follow your point more easily.
task response
You give a clear view in the first paragraph: unhealthy living is not always a fully planned choice, but can come from stress and too much social media use.
task response
The main ideas are on topic and useful: work stress, screen time, help from employers, and public campaigns.
coherence and cohesion
The order is easy to follow: causes come first, then ways to solve the problem, followed by a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph starts with a clear focus, such as work stress, screen time, and possible answers.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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