IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some poeple think that succes in life comes from hard work and deternimation while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance . discuss both view and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In recent years,
successeding
Correct your spelling
succeeding
 in
life
Use synonyms
 have beoe utmost important. Many individuals consider money and appearance as a key to success,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and determination in
life
Use synonyms
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them get successfull.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views could be considered, I believe that financial background and clothing
doesnt
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
 matter that much to achieve
somthing
Correct your spelling
something
 in
life
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, putting maximal efforts with determination and
dicipline
Correct your spelling
discipline
 to accomplish their goal is important.
This
Linking Words
 is
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 working on a particular task with consistency, focus and concentration might be
fruitfull
Correct your spelling
fruitful
 in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 run.
For example
Linking Words
, when an intern joins a firm, he will definitely need to
ace
Correct your spelling
excel
 in that particular field by showing his passion and
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, which will eventually help him to progress and get promotions.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people
shoul
Correct your spelling
should
 avoid
procastinating
Correct your spelling
procrastinating
 their work, and start showing
kin
Correct your spelling
keen
 interest in their work to become
successfull
Correct your spelling
successful
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the way
one
Use synonyms
 dresses or the bank balance
one
Use synonyms
 has
doesnt
Correct your spelling
doesn't
 affect
that much to ones work
Correct word order
one's work that much
show examples
. Judging someone based on their attire can not be acceptable
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 it does not show his or her potential.
Also
Linking Words
, having
handsome
Correct article usage
a handsome
show examples
 amount of money
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not
guranttee
Correct your spelling
guarantee
 success, but it does create a sense of irresponsibility.
One
Use synonyms
 clear example of
this
Linking Words
 is when we judge a book by its cover,
that is
Linking Words
 , without even reading a book , we tend to give opinion about it based on its cover.
Similarly
Linking Words
, people should not be
judges
Wrong verb form
judged
show examples
 based on
his or her
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 clothing as they can
too
Rephrase
also
show examples
 have a desire to achieve great things in
life
Use synonyms
 , irrespective of
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
 bank
balace
Correct your spelling
balance
.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion, consistency, hardwork, dicipline and faith in
ones
Correct pronoun usage
one's
show examples
 own task helps dowonders in
life
Use synonyms
. And
this
Linking Words
 cannot be neglected by looking at ones clothand money.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are a topic of debate
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 I personally
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
that even underprivileged individuals have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to dream and become
sucdessfull
Correct your spelling
successful
 in
life
Use synonyms
. As they will show more dedication and overcome any
obstackle
Correct your spelling
obstacle
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, the side about money and looks is too short and is mostly about why these things do not matter. Explain why some people think money can help, for example by paying for good study, health care, or a new business. Explain why looks may help in jobs where first views matter.
task response
Make your main view clear in the first part and keep it the same in all parts. Your view is that hard work and determination matter more. State this in one clear sentence.
task response
Use examples that show the point more directly. The intern example is useful. The book cover example is not a real life example of success, so it does not fully support your idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, your view, and ending. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each main part more direct. For example, start with: “Hard work and determination are important because they help people improve over time.” Then give your reason and example.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as hard work, success, and clothes. Join close ideas and add a clear reason after each main claim. This will make the essay flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the one hand” should introduce one view, and “On the other hand” should introduce the other view. In the second part, first explain why money and looks may help, before you explain why they are less important.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss hard work and determination, money and appearance, and you give your own view.
task response
The example about an intern working hard to get a promotion is clear and fits your main point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphs, and the ending repeats your main view in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, and “In conclusion” help show the link between ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve one’s goals
  • consistent effort
  • strong determination
  • self-discipline
  • develop practical skills
  • learn from failure
  • overcome obstacles
  • equal opportunities
  • financial resources
  • access to quality education
  • career opportunities
  • a privileged background
  • professional connections
  • a competitive advantage
  • make a good first impression
  • physical appearance
  • long-term success
  • personal ability
  • make the most of opportunities
  • guarantee success
What to do next:
Look at other essays: