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Band 3

34.Some countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What is the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Many people
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 different cultures and regions share the same
country
Use synonyms
 under one flag and the same government. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 combination among different groups.
Body paragraph 1
Linking Words
to
Capitalize the word
To
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 begin with , the main cause of any cooperation is to fill gaps .
Moreover
Linking Words
, small societies don't have the power to
mange
Use the right word
manage
show examples
 countries, so
as a result
Linking Words
 , small communities combine with each other to develop a nation, under a certain flag and a named government to rule the
country
Use synonyms
 .
For example
Linking Words
, a
country
Use synonyms
 like the United States
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
show examples
 thousands of cultures and religions from all kinds .
As a result
Linking Words
 , thousands of individuals are ready to cooperate and build a stronger
country
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the cooperation among individual groups
deliver
Correct subject-verb agreement
delivers
show examples
 positive benefits to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society .
However
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
also it
Correct word order
it also
show examples
 helps to improve urban life development and achieve
futural
Correct your spelling
future
 goals.
For instance
Linking Words
 , Canada
one
Punctuation problem
, one
show examples
 of the most developed countries
from all sides
Change preposition
in the world
show examples
, has the happiest city
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 earth
Vancouver
Punctuation problem
, Vancouver
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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mainly because the city
popullation
Correct your spelling
population
 has different religions and cultures that cooperate to achieve their goals.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
 , different people stick
within
Change preposition
with
show examples
each other to maintain
strengh
Correct your spelling
strength
 and cooperate to achieve a better place to live .
Moreover
Linking Words
,all
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 reasons gave the combination among different groups of people a positive reason to stay attached .

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Give one main reason for mixed groups, such as work, study, war, or people moving to a new country. Then say clearly why this is a good or bad change.
task response
Your main reason is not clear enough. The idea that small groups join to rule a country does not explain why people from many cultures live in one country today. Use a more real cause, such as jobs and people moving abroad.
task response
Explain your examples in more detail. For the US and Canada, say how people came there and how different groups help the country. Do not only say that they work together.
task response
Your view is positive, but you should also note one possible problem, such as fights between groups or people feeling left out. Then explain why the good points are still stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, reasons, why it is positive or negative, and conclusion. Keep one main idea in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part about reasons only. Make the second body part about the results of this change. At present, some ideas about reasons and good results are mixed.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. For example: 'One main reason is...', 'Another reason is...', 'This can be positive because...', and 'However...'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each example link back to the main point. After the Canada example, add a sentence that says how this shows that people from different groups can make city life better.
task response
You give a clear overall view that this change is good.
task response
You use country examples, including the United States and Canada, to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to guide the reader with phrases such as 'For example', 'Furthermore', and 'To conclude'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • ethnic groups
  • multicultural society
  • immigration
  • international migration
  • seek better opportunities
  • improve living standards
  • political instability
  • refugees and asylum seekers
  • globalisation
  • a diverse workforce
  • labour shortages
  • economic growth
  • cultural exchange
  • broaden people’s horizons
  • promote mutual understanding
  • social integration
  • language barriers
  • racial discrimination
  • social cohesion
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