IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Currently, high consumption of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in processed
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks is related to many diseases. One potential solution is suggested, which is increasing the
price
Use synonyms
 of products that contain
sugar
Use synonyms
 in order to reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective because the budget growth could induce other issues, rather than the excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, fast
food
Use synonyms
 with high
sugar
Use synonyms
 is easier to access not only because of the low
price
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 the large proportion of grain. If the
price
Use synonyms
 rockets to a sky-high level, those people could not afford
this
Linking Words
 cheap energy source would look for other alternative products, which might cause other bigger problems.
For example
Linking Words
, if there are no cheap carbohydrates on the plate, folks who are undernourished would do criminals for
food
Use synonyms
 because other energy sources would be more expensive than carbohydrates.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it could cause social problems
due to
Linking Words
 the rise in
food
Use synonyms
 prices.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
however
Linking Words
, if the expenditure on sugary foods is reduced to some extent, the
price
Use synonyms
 of other high-quality foods,
such
Linking Words
 as proteins or seafood, would be reduced as well.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
food
Use synonyms
 animals are fed by grains, and cheap grains could make the meat cheaper.
For instance
Linking Words
, chicken breast has been the most favourite protein source for people who are doing fitness in North America.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is
also
Linking Words
 one of the most affordable meats
due to
Linking Words
 the cheap grain offered by the advanced agricultural system.
Conclusion
In conclusion. It is too ideal to rise expense of highly processed foods that contain sugars in order to reduce public
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 advice, and I believe it needs multiple alterations to meet the end of our purpose for promoting public health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that higher prices are the best answer. However, explain more directly why a sugar tax would not cut sugar use. Some ideas move away from the main question, such as crime for food and the price of meat.
task response
Make each main point easy to follow. In the first body part, say that poor people may need cheap food, but then explain why this means a higher price is not fair or useful. Give a more likely example, such as people buying other cheap unhealthy food.
task response
The second body part does not strongly support your view. It says cheap grain can make meat cheaper, but it does not clearly show why sugary food should not cost more. Replace it with a stronger point, for example that food labels, school lessons, and limits on sugar in food can help people eat less sugar.
task response
Answer the whole question with a clear plan. You can say that higher prices may help a little, but they should not be the only step. Then give two clear reasons for this view and explain each one.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple paragraph plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, conclusion. Your essay has this shape, but the link between the two body parts is weak because the second point changes to grain and meat prices.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main idea. For example: “First, higher prices may hurt poor families more than rich families.” Then make every next sentence support that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “On the other hand, however” is not needed because the second paragraph is not an opposite view. Use “Second” or “Also” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion a full sentence. Write “In conclusion, it is not a good idea to raise the price...” rather than “In conclusion. It is too ideal...” Keep the final view short and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases such as “do criminals for food,” “budget growth,” and “meet the end of our purpose.” Use clear words: “commit crimes,” “higher prices,” and “improve public health.”
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and repeat it in the conclusion. This helps the reader understand your main view.
task response
You try to use reasons and examples, including the effect on people with little money and the example of chicken breast.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear parts, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example,” “Therefore,” and “In addition,” to show links between ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: