IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is important for everyone, including Young people, to Save money for their future. TO what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
It is argued that it is crucial for everyone , including teenagers , to save
money
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 for the
future
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement because I think that the sooner we can save
money
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, the wealthier we will be in the
future
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. We never know what is going to happen in the
future
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. But the only thing we can do is to be prepared for it by saving
money
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.
Body paragraph 1
If
people
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 save
money
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, they can grow it by investing. These investments allow
people
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 to prepare themselves for the
future
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. Humans cannot predict the
future
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 , but they can do things, like saving
money
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, that are going to make it easier.
People
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 can invest
this
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money
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 so that it produced compounds interests.
For example
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, a teenager who keeps
money
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 from christmas gift can save it.
As a result
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,
this
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money
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 can be invested so that in twenty years, the
money
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 has grown to twenty per cent. In consequence, these young
people
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 can afford a good university that requires a big amount of
money
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.
Body paragraph 2
Financial education is a crucial part to enter in the adult world. Young
people
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 who experiment with
money
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 management are prepared for the
future
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. Saving
money
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 is part of the education that can be missed in high school.
For instance
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,
people
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 who keep
money
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 in a bank will be able to manage their own
money
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 in the
future
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 because they have experienced it before. They will know how to create a savings account.
Moreover
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, keeping
money
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 is a financial rescue in case of an economic crisis. In those types of crises, a lot of
people
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 can lose their jobs, and even more their houses. But the ones who have saved
money
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 are the ones who will first recover.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, saving
money
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 can have multiple benefits.
First,
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because it can be invested in and can create more
money
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 for
people
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 to afford housing. And
secondly
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, because it participated in the education needed to enter the adult world. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
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 opinion, because my parents always told me to do so.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you keep the same view in all parts. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully why saving early can help young people, not only all people.
task response
Your main ideas are good: money can grow, and saving can teach money skills. Make each idea more exact. For example, say how much money is saved each month and how it can help with school, a home, or a hard time.
task response
Check facts in your examples. Money does not usually grow to only twenty per cent after twenty years. Give a more clear and real example, or do not use a number.
task response
The last line about your parents is personal, but it does not add much to your main reason. End by restating your two main ideas in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body part, as you do now.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. You use "For example", "As a result", and "Moreover" well, but some links are not natural. "In consequence" can be changed to "As a result".
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part flow more smoothly. The first three lines repeat the same point about an unknown future. State the point once, then move to investing and the example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word choice is not clear. For example, change "it produced compounds interests" to "it can earn compound interest". Clear sentences make the links between ideas easier to see.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree.
task response
You give two useful reasons for your view: saving may help money grow, and it can help young people learn to manage money.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a main point and an example, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening and ending are both present, and the ending returns to your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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