IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadya, it is possible for people to buy many products and pay for treatments to look young , is this a good thing or bad thing. give reasons with your knowledge and experience.

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Introduction
In
this
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 digital world, it is convenient for
people
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 to purchase branded
products
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 and take costly
treatments
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 to keep themselves young. In my opinion, it is a good way for
olders
Check wording
older people
show examples
 to see
see
Remove the redundancy
apply
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young
.
Check wording
people.
show examples
 In
this
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 essay,
i
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I
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 will discuss some reasons why
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this
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 is a good thing for
people
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 to buy highly
cost
Replace the word
expensive
products
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 and take treaments which helps them
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
look younger.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, it is easy and accessible
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Change preposition
for people
show examples
people
Punctuation problem
people,
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 especially
older
Correct article usage
the older
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 population
to
Punctuation problem
, to
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 buy
skin
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products
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 easily
due to
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 online
shoping
Correct your spelling
shopping
.
This
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 is because mostly consumers face difficulty
to visit
Wrong verb form
visiting
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 markets and
shoping
Correct your spelling
shopping
 malls and prefer to do online purchasing. In
this
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 way, they research
about
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apply
show examples
the
products
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 and order them from home without
anyone
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anyone's
show examples
 assistance.
For example
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,
amazon
Capitalize the proper name
Amazon
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 is
a
Correct article usage
the
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 biggest marketplace where
aging
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ageing
show examples
people
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 select their desire high quality
products
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 for
skin
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care
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 .
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Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 it is easy for them to take
care
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 of
themseves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 and feel fresh and young.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another way for
people
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 to keep themselves young is advanced technology
treatments
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. These
treatments
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really
Verb problem
are really
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hepful
Correct your spelling
helpful
 for
skin
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regenration
Correct your spelling
regeneration
 and help to slow
aging
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ageing
show examples
.
For example
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, studies
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 that, for aging PRP is one of the most reliable
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
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 for older
people
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 to
slowdown aging
Replace the word
slow down ageing
 and look young.
Therefore
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, it is worthy to pay aesthetic clinics and dermatologists for
skin
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treatments
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.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
advance
Replace the word
advanced
 world.
it
Capitalize the word
It
show examples
 is convenient and accessible for the consumers to buy
skin
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
products
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 and take
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
treatments
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such
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 as PRP to look young. I believe that
this
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 is a positive development because everyone have right to take
care
Use synonyms
 of themselves
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any stage of life.

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task response
Give a clearer answer to the main question. You say it is good, but also explain why this is good for people and for society, not only why it is easy to buy products.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For example, say that skin care may help older people feel more sure of themselves, but costly care may also cause money problems or make people feel they must look young.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but explain them more. The Amazon example shows that buying is easy; it does not clearly show why buying costly products is good. The PRP example needs a clear reason and a simple result.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "because", "as a result", "however", and "for this reason". Do not use "therefore" many times in the same way.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one point. The first body part should focus on online buying, while the second should focus on medical care. Add one or two sentences that explain the point before giving an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use full stops and spaces more carefully. For example: "from home without anyone's help. For example, Amazon..." This will make your writing easier to read.
task response
You give a clear view that this is a positive change, and you keep this view from the start to the end.
task response
You use examples about online shops and PRP care. These show that you are trying to support your ideas with real cases.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear order: introduction, two main points, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "First and foremost", "Furthermore", and "To conclude" help the reader follow the main parts of your essay.
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