IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #tv #computer #games #people #effects #abilities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a common belief that in many recent years, infants spend most of their time on entertainment
such
Linking Words
 as watching TV and playing computer games. Others believe
this
Linking Words
 has a bad effect on
children
Use synonyms
's mental abilities.
However
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that using many technologies has increased the problem for
children
Use synonyms
 It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score. 's
health
Use synonyms
 and addiction to the wrong
age
Use synonyms
 programmes in Internet society.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, excessive TV watching and video game playing is the sedentary lifestyle it promotes.
Children
Use synonyms
 who spend prolonged periods sitting in front of screens are at risk of developing psychological problems
as a result
Linking Words
. A sedentary and indoor lifestyle increases the risk of mental
health
Use synonyms
 disorders
such
Linking Words
 as depression and anxiety.
For example
Linking Words
, a study conducted by the World
Health
Use synonyms
 Organization found a correlation between excessive screen time and an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety. On top of that, technologies bring many conveniences to people's lives.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, overusing these services too much may cause addiction.
First,
Linking Words
these problems occur because their parents lack attention to their son or daughter, they are busy with work which leaves their
children
Use synonyms
 alone at home and do whatever they want. As a knowledge of a child, they would choose the best things that satisfied them
such
Linking Words
 as using technologies for entertainment.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the internet or video games nowadays include much violence and are not suitable for offspring. Watching
this
Linking Words
 kind of programme makes
children
Use synonyms
 increase their habit of violence when they are a young
age
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, parents need to pay more attention to their
children
Use synonyms
 to prevent them from watching movies and video games at a young
age
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 a recent survey, in many cases,
children
Use synonyms
 at a young
age
Use synonyms
 see, watch or play violence and practise on their opponent at school which makes them receive a grade repetitive penalty and be judged by society.
To sum up
Linking Words
, spending too much time on technology services affects
children
Use synonyms
's mental
health
Use synonyms
 and improves more for their lazy lifestyle. For these reasons, parents need to more concentrate on their
children
Use synonyms
 to avoid bad situations.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay covers the central argument but needs more focus on clearly presenting and developing individual points. Enhance your argumentation with more detailed and varied support for your points.
coherence cohesion
There are a number of grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrases which impede readability at times. Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation to make your argument flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, laying out the argument and summarizing the main points well.
lexical resource
Even though there are some mistakes, the essay attempts to use varied vocabulary and shows an effort to avoid repetition, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: