Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is a common belief that in many recent years, infants spend most of their time on entertainment
such
as watching TV and playing computer games. Others believe this
has a bad effect on children
's mental abilities. However
, I firmly believe that using many technologies has increased the problem for children
It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.
's health
and addiction to the wrong age
programmes in Internet society.
To begin
with, excessive TV watching and video game playing is the sedentary lifestyle it promotes. Children
who spend prolonged periods sitting in front of screens are at risk of developing psychological problems as a result
. A sedentary and indoor lifestyle increases the risk of mental health
disorders such
as depression and anxiety. For example
, a study conducted by the World Health
Organization found a correlation between excessive screen time and an increased prevalence of depression and anxiety.
On top of that, technologies bring many conveniences to people's lives. Nevertheless
, overusing these services too much may cause addiction. First,
these problems occur because their parents lack attention to their son or daughter, they are busy with work which leaves their children
alone at home and do whatever they want. As a knowledge of a child, they would choose the best things that satisfied them such
as using technologies for entertainment. Furthermore
, the internet or video games nowadays include much violence and are not suitable for offspring. Watching this
kind of programme makes children
increase their habit of violence when they are a young age
. However
, parents need to pay more attention to their children
to prevent them from watching movies and video games at a young age
. According to
a recent survey, in many cases, children
at a young age
see, watch or play violence and practise on their opponent at school which makes them receive a grade repetitive penalty and be judged by society.
To sum up
, spending too much time on technology services affects children
's mental health
and improves more for their lazy lifestyle. For these reasons, parents need to more concentrate on their children
to avoid bad situations.Submitted by [email protected] on
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The essay covers the central argument but needs more focus on clearly presenting and developing individual points. Enhance your argumentation with more detailed and varied support for your points.
coherence cohesion
There are a number of grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrases which impede readability at times. Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation to make your argument flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, laying out the argument and summarizing the main points well.
lexical resource
Even though there are some mistakes, the essay attempts to use varied vocabulary and shows an effort to avoid repetition, which is commendable.
Fully explain your ideas
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
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- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.