IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Companies that have a long average working time are more economically successful than those companies that do not have a long working time. Do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There is no denying the fact that long working
hours
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in the
companies
Check wording
company's
show examples
 productivity.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 working
in a
Change preposition
for
show examples
 long
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 of
time
Use synonyms
 increases the revenue of the companies, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that
oppses
Correct your spelling
opposes
 it. In my opinion, I consider that it is not an indicator that your
company
Use synonyms
 will grow
due to
Linking Words
 the long working
hours
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, companies that have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
long
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
working
hours
Use synonyms
 tend to
loose its
Fix the agreement mistake
lose their
show examples
 employees.
In other words
Linking Words
, when the worker
started
Wrong verb form
starts
show examples
 to
work
Use synonyms
 more than the average working
hours
Use synonyms
, the consequences will follow
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it will ruin his life
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
 he will
definitly
Correct your spelling
definitely
 quit.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
work life
Correct your spelling
work-life
 balance is very crucial.
For example
Linking Words
, the distribution of your day
hours
Use synonyms
 will be 8
hours
Use synonyms
 of working, 8
hours
Use synonyms
 of sleeping ,
8
Correct word choice
and 8
show examples
hours
Use synonyms
 of having fun and chilling with your family.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider
,
Verb problem
is
show examples
 the
time
Use synonyms
-effectiveness principle
is
Correct pronoun usage
, which is
show examples
 very crucial. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 working long
Use synonyms
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
hours
Use synonyms
 will make your
company
Use synonyms
 have a potential
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 success.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the productivity is about the
time
Use synonyms
 you
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 at your
work
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it can be measured in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
several ways.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study that has been done on a Japanese
company
Use synonyms
 stated that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the success of the
company
Use synonyms
 is measured by its KPI, which
stand
Correct subject-verb agreement
stands
show examples
 for key performance indicator.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
life
Correct your spelling
work-life
work
Use synonyms
 balance will make your employees more productive
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and creative for your
company
Use synonyms
, and
thus
Linking Words
 will make your
company
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
potential
in its
Change preposition
for
show examples
 success.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph: long work hours do not always make a company more successful. Keep this same view in every body paragraph.
task response
Your first main point is clear: long hours can make workers leave. Explain more fully how this costs the company money, time, and skilled staff.
task response
The second body paragraph is not fully clear. It first says long hours may help a company, but your main view is against this idea. Instead, explain that good work in less time, clear goals, and rest can lead to better results.
task response
Use one clear example and explain it. The Japan example names KPI, but it does not show how shorter or better-managed work hours lead to success.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two body paragraphs, and an ending. Make the order of ideas stronger: point, explanation, example, then result for the company.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as "In addition" and "Moreover" should add a closely related idea. Some links now join ideas that do not fully match.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating long phrases such as "long time working hours." Use simple, clear forms like "long working hours" or "long hours."
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one idea. The first paragraph can focus on workers leaving; the second can focus on work quality and output.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear overall view that long hours are not a sure sign of company success.
task response
You include useful ideas about work-life balance, workers leaving, and work output.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use signposting phrases such as "To begin with," "For example," and "In conclusion" to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • companies
  • success
  • working hours
  • employees
  • productivity
  • profits
  • dedicated
  • team spirit
  • commitment
  • burnout
  • balance
  • health
  • satisfaction
  • sustainable
What to do next:
Look at other essays: