IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

An increasing number of children have become hooked on fast food and aerated drinks that donot provide much nutritions . This poor diet has led to a rise in obesity among children . What are the problems that are associated with obesity in children and what steps could be taken to prevent?

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Introduction
The issue of the
children
Use synonyms
 who become hooked on fast
food
Use synonyms
 and aerated drinks that
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 provide much
nutritions
Correct your spelling
nutrition
 has become a significant concern in recent years.It is widely believed that
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 poor diet has led to a rise in obesity among
children
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay explores the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem and suggests possible solutions.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause is having leisure time ,which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 many
children
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 eat bad
food
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 because they want to try new types of
food
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.Another factor is a lack
awareness
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of awareness
show examples
obout
Correct your spelling
about
 bad
food
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,as seen in a boy who always eats from
resaurants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
,he might affect his
health
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 because many
restraunts
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restaurants
 use a large
amont
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amount
 of oil and
suger
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sugar
 on
thier
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their
food
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.
As a result
Linking Words
,the boy`s weight will increase,which has significant implications for the
boy
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boy's
show examples
health
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 .
Body paragraph 2
One solution is to focus on their
health
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 ,which would help by
balanced between
Wrong verb form
balancing
show examples
 the types of
Use synonyms
children
Correct word order
food for children
show examples
food
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.
For example
Linking Words
,if a child eats
breads
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bread
show examples
,
protines
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proteins
,and fruits,he will be
on a
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in
show examples
 good
health
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. Another solution is doing more
exersise
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exercise
,which has been shown to impact on
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children
Check wording
children's
show examples
health
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 .
For instance
Linking Words
,if a boy eats bad
food
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 and everday doing exersise ,he will not affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his weight and will not be
in obesity
Replace the word
obese
.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,the
children
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 who become hooked on fast
food
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 and aerated drinks that
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 provide much nutritions is pressing issue.By adopting
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
 between many types of
food
Use synonyms
 .We can address the root causes and work towards a better outcome.

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task response
Answer both parts of the question. Explain the problems caused by child obesity, such as poor health, low energy, and trouble at school. Your first body paragraph talks about causes, but the question asks for problems.
task response
Make your ideas more clear and full. Explain how fast food and sweet drinks can make children gain too much weight, then explain what this can do to their body and daily life.
task response
Give steps that parents, schools, and the state can take. For example, parents can cook more healthy meals, schools can sell healthy food, and the state can limit ads for fast food aimed at children.
task response
Improve the exercise example. Exercise is good, but it may not fully stop weight gain if a child eats bad food every day. Say that both healthy food and regular exercise are needed.
coherence and cohesion
Use a plan that fits the question: introduction; problems of obesity; ways to prevent it; conclusion. This will make your answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main idea. For example: “Child obesity can cause many health and social problems.” Then give two or three linked points.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Make sure each link shows a clear connection.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same example about one boy. Use one short example only after you have explained the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending say the main problems and the main steps again. The last sentence should be complete and clear.
task response
You give useful ideas about healthy food and exercise as ways to help children stay at a healthy weight.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and an ending, so it has a clear basic shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as “Another factor”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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