IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

people aim to achieve a banace between their work and lives, but few people achieve it, what are the causes of the problem? how to overcome it.

3.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of whether
can
Correct word order
people can
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 achieve a
banace
Correct your spelling
balance
 between their
work
Use synonyms
 and lives has become a significant concern in recent years.It is widely believed that many
people
Use synonyms
 cannot balance between them .
This
Linking Words
 essay explores the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem and suggests possible solutions.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause is that some
people
Use synonyms
afraid
Verb problem
are afraid
show examples
 to not complete their
work
Use synonyms
 as the manger need,which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 feel
strees
Correct your spelling
stressed
 and
pressure
Replace the word
pressured
.Another factor is that some
people
Use synonyms
 focus on
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 daily life
Correct word choice
rather than
show examples
then
Linking Words
 their
work
Use synonyms
 .As seen in a woman always thinks about her children even when she
Use synonyms
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
,her
manger
Correct your spelling
manager
 might be angry because she might do mistake on her
work
Use synonyms
,which has significant implications for the
woman
Check wording
woman's
show examples
work
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
One
soluiton
Correct your spelling
solution
 is that parents should concentrate on their
work
Use synonyms
 and get a nanny with thier children ,which would help them if they do not want their children
be
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 alone.Another solution is that
people
Use synonyms
 can have leisure time and enjoy with
thier childern
Correct your spelling
their children
.
For instance
Linking Words
,if a man feels boring from his
work
Use synonyms
,he can do some activities with her family at the weekend or holiday,which has been shown to have intertainment and have energy.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,the
people
Use synonyms
 who aim to achieve a
banace
Correct your spelling
balance
 between their
work
Use synonyms
 and their
live
Replace the word
life
 is a pressing issue.By adopting
spend
Check wording
a strategy to spend
show examples
 time with their family to pay attention to their
work
Use synonyms
 ,we can address the root causes and
work
Use synonyms
 towards a better outcome.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear causes, such as long work hours, fear of losing a job, and phone or email use after work. Then give matching ways to solve each cause.
Task response
Make your main ideas more clear. The point about parents getting a nanny does not help all workers. Add ideas that can help many people, such as fixed work hours, time off, and help from managers.
Task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. For example, explain how a worker who checks work email at night has less time to rest, and how a no-email rule after work can help.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each body paragraph focus on one main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more natural way. Use simple links such as “This means that”, “Because of this”, “For example”, and “To solve this problem”.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the ending say the main causes and main solutions again in a clear way. Do not add a new or unclear idea in the last sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Check that each example fits the point before it. The example of a woman thinking about her children should explain why this makes work and home life hard to balance.
Task response
You discuss both causes and solutions, so you answer all parts of the question.
Task response
You try to use real-life examples about parents, children, work stress, and family time.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “One major cause”, “Another factor”, “One solution”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: