IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that innovation in
technology
Use synonyms
lower
Correct subject-verb agreement
lowers
show examples
 the crime rates in countries because of cameras, digital surveillance and
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other means.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
show examples
 take the view that it has increased the risk of fraud, malicious activities, breach of law
for
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
for those
people
Use synonyms
 who possess limited
technology
Use synonyms
 knowledge. I personally believe that advancement in
technology
Use synonyms
 has
lower
Wrong verb form
brought
show examples
 down the crime ratio.
Body paragraph 1
On one side of the argument,
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
believe that
technology
Use synonyms
increased
Verb problem
has increased
show examples
 the risks of
offense
Change the spelling
offence
show examples
. The most compelling reason for believing
this
Linking Words
 is that in many underdeveloped
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 do not have much knowledge about online
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
. They can become victims of
online
Correct article usage
an online
show examples
 phishing scheme because they do not have much awareness about the
uses
Check wording
use
show examples
 of
technology
Use synonyms
. Offenders can
sent
Wrong verb form
send
show examples
 them encrypted messages through various apps
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 seems
them to true
Correct word order
true to them,
show examples
 and they disclose their important information and become a hunter for them easily.
Therefore
Linking Words
, today hackers can hack computers from unknown locations and extract your personal data easily.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 side of the argument,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
technology
Use synonyms
 helps society in
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
show examples
 of crimes. Indeed, one reason why
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 take
this
Linking Words
 position is that there is a camera
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of every house, garage and in
bazzars
Correct your spelling
bazaars
. Lawbreakers can
stole
Wrong verb form
steal
show examples
 your jewellery and can be tracked by police in seconds with the use of
Gps
Capitalize the proper name
GPS
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 helps many departments in countries to secure and
safe
Verb problem
protect
show examples
 their crucial data.
whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 digital data cannot be breached because of
smartlocks
Correct your spelling
smart locks
,
biomatrics
Correct your spelling
biometrics
 security.
Consequently
Linking Words
, any employee in the company will think twice before sharing sensitive information
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 rival competitors
beacause
Correct your spelling
because
 of the fear of being caught
red handed
Correct your spelling
red-handed
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are commonly held among
people
Use synonyms
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 am of the view that innovation in
technology
Use synonyms
 reduces the ratio of theft in many societies. Given
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation, it is recommended that authorities should educate the
people
Use synonyms
 about the uses of different apps.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully how each point leads to less or more crime.
task response
Your ideas are useful, but some claims are too strong. For example, say that digital data can be safer, rather than saying it cannot be breached. Add that hackers can still break into weak systems.
task response
Use one clear, real example for each side. For example, cameras may help police find a car thief, while a fake bank message may lead a person to give away money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. In the first body part, focus on online crime. In the second, focus on cameras, tracking, and safe data systems.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully and correctly. Write “On the other hand”, not “On other side of the argument”. Also, do not start a new sentence with “whereas” in this way.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences more direct. For example: “As a result, police can use video records to find the person.” This is clearer than moving quickly between cameras, GPS, and company data.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you present both views, state your own view, and give reasons.
task response
The points about online fraud, cameras, GPS, and safe company data are all relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly shows the two sides and gives your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to your main view and gives a useful idea for action: teaching people how to use apps safely.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime prevention
  • surveillance cameras
  • facial recognition technology
  • GPS tracking
  • digital evidence
  • online reporting system
  • smart security systems
  • biometric locks
  • cybercrime
  • online fraud
  • identity theft
  • phishing scams
  • fake websites
  • data breach
  • encrypted messaging apps
  • digital literacy
  • vulnerable users
  • strict cyber laws
  • protect personal information
  • raise public awareness
What to do next:
Look at other essays: