IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People who decide on a career path early in their lives and keep to it are more likely to have a satisfying working life than those who change jobs frequently. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It could be argued that individuals who decide on
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 orbit pathway early in their lives and stick to it are more likely to have a satisfying working life than those who switch
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 frequently. In my opinion, deciding on a race line early and sticking to it has a high possibility of feeling satisfied both professionally and socially.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, deciding on a
career
Use synonyms
path
Use synonyms
 early provides time to learn and grow from experts who work in the same
career
Use synonyms
path
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, people who work alongside professionals and experts and make relationships tend to have more opportunities in the workplace.
As a result
Linking Words
, feelings of satisfaction in the workplace are directly related to professional success.
Moreover
Linking Words
, individuals who decide on a
career
Use synonyms
path
Use synonyms
 early have enough time for their family and their social circle.1
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
Linking Words
, switching
jobs
Use synonyms
 frequently has a profoundly negative effect on emplyees feeling in a particular way.
Although
Linking Words
 workers gain diverse knowledge in different
career
Use synonyms
 paths, the feeling of distraction and confusion directly affects their working lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, success in frequent activity is a challenge
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 people couldn't dedicate fully concentration to different
jobs
Use synonyms
 at the same time.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, the feeling of a satisfying working life could be insufficient.
Conclusion
In conclusion, individuals who decide on an early
career
Use synonyms
path
Use synonyms
 are more likely to be satisfied with their
jobs
Use synonyms
 because. Early deciders have a high possibility of working success because of relationships and opportunities in a certain job ,
instead
Linking Words
 of those who switch
jobs
Use synonyms
 regularly and don't dedicate in a particular one.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give a clearer answer to the question. You say you agree, but explain how far you agree. You could say that staying in one job can help, but changing jobs can also lead to a better fit.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain why work friends, skills, and chances at work lead to a happy working life. Then explain why job changes may cause stress or lack of focus.
task response
Use a real and clear example. The example about people working with experts is too general. You could describe one worker who stayed in a field, learned from a senior worker, and later got a better role.
task response
Some key words are not clear or are wrong: use “career path”, “job”, or “position”, not “orbit pathway”, “race line”, or “frequent activity”.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, make the links between ideas clearer. Start each body part with one main point, then add an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short or incomplete sentences. For example, “For instance, success in frequent activity is a challenge” is not clear. Write a full, direct sentence about changing jobs often.
coherence and cohesion
Check the last paragraph carefully. The sentence “because.” is not complete, and the final sentence is too long. Use shorter sentences to make your meaning easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” are helpful, but each one should show a clear link to the sentence before it.
task response
You give a clear main view: staying in one career path can make work life more satisfying.
task response
You discuss both sides by writing about early career choice and frequent job changes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “In contrast”, and “As a result”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career path
  • job satisfaction
  • professional goals
  • climb the career ladder
  • develop expertise
  • long-term commitment
  • financial security
  • varied experiences
  • prevent monotony
  • job security
  • career progression
  • personal preferences
  • industry dynamics
What to do next:
Look at other essays: