IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

"Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position."

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, most of the business owners are focusing only on
Use synonyms
profits
Check wording
profit
show examples
 margins and compromising product quality. I agree with the statement,
corparate
Correct your spelling
corporate
 system follows
principle
Check wording
principles
show examples
 like better product receives better profit margins. There are two major issues
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 we are talking
in
Change preposition
about in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay
are
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
employees'
Check wording
employees
show examples
 receiving less pay without any benefits for overtime and how companies
cutting
Verb problem
are cutting
show examples
 maintenance
cost
Check wording
costs
show examples
 to improve their income.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, focusing only on
profits
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to
increasing
Replace the word
an increase
 in workload
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 workers.
In most of the
Change preposition
Most
show examples
 food places are reducing employees for financial improvements
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is very common in
franchise
Correct article usage
the franchise
show examples
 system.
For example
Linking Words
,
Subways
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Subway
show examples
(sandwich shop)
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to have 3
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 all the time, but now
cutting
Wrong verb form
cuts
show examples
 them
2
Change preposition
to 2
show examples
to save wage expenses
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 which leads
more
Change preposition
to more
show examples
 work on remaining employees.
In addition
Linking Words
, some business owners are refusing to pay overtime properly.
Therefore
Linking Words
, chasing
profits
Use synonyms
 without ethical boundaries
resulting
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
 in a stressful work environment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, to improve
profits
Use synonyms
some
Punctuation problem
, some
show examples
 large manufacturing
compaines
Correct your spelling
companies
 are cutting operating
cost
Check wording
costs
show examples
 by releasing chemical waste into small rivers.
Instead
Linking Words
 of investing more money in chemical purification. People
using
Verb problem
are using
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
water
Use synonyms
 in day to day activites and causing them
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
.
In recent
Change preposition
Recent
show examples
 studies
showed
Wrong verb form
have shown
show examples
 that people drinking toxically polluted
water
Use synonyms
 end up with cancer. The government should take
serious on
Rephrase
seriously
show examples
 the industries
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are releasing toxic waste into
Use synonyms
water
Correct article usage
the water
show examples
 and causing
some
Check wording
the loss of some
show examples
people life
Check wording
people's lives
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if compaines main agenda was to make money only
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
show examples
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 environment
completely
Verb problem
would be completely
show examples
 unethical
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
indsutires
Correct your spelling
industries
 should spend more budget on operating system where filtering chemical before relasing into
air
Correct article usage
the air
show examples
 or
water
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the government should bring better quality
test
Check wording
tests
show examples
 on large manufacturing
compaines
Correct your spelling
companies
 regarding pollution.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You say you agree, but your main ideas show that making profit at any cost is wrong. Say this in one direct sentence.
task response
Answer the key words “do anything” in the question. Explain that firms may try to make profit, but they must not hurt workers, buyers, or the land.
task response
Develop each main point more. For workers, explain how less staff and no extra pay affect their health, work, and family life. For waste, explain why saving money cannot be more important than public health.
task response
Your examples are useful, especially the sandwich shop example. Make them more clear and careful. Do not make a very strong health claim unless you can explain it well; you can say polluted water may cause serious illness.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two body parts, and end. Keep this shape, but make the first part match your real view.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body part. Start with a clear topic sentence, give an example, explain the result, and link it back to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not complete or are hard to read. For example, change “which leads more work” to “This gives the remaining workers more work.” Use short, clear sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “profits” and “cutting” too often. You can also use “make more money,” “save money,” “lower costs,” and “income.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and stronger. Restate your view, then name the two limits: fair pay and safe waste control.
task response
You give a clear position and stay on the subject of business profit.
task response
You use two relevant areas: fair treatment of workers and harm from waste.
coherence and cohesion
The body parts are easy to follow because each one has a different main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” “For example,” and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
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