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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people argue that the most effective way to improve public health is to increase the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this has little effect and that other measures are required. Discuss bo

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Introduction
In many countries,
policymarkers
Correct your spelling
policymakers
 are debating the most effective measures to enhance public
health
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
sports
Use synonyms
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 can improve well-being more than other
measure
Fix the agreement mistake
measures
show examples
, others argue that additional measures are required to address
this
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 issue.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why the latter viewpoint is more convincing.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, investing in
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to become more physically active. Many
people
Use synonyms
 struggle to
exercise
Use synonyms
 when suitable spaces are expensive or far from home. By
provideing afforadable
Correct your spelling
providing affordable
 gyms and
swimmimg
Correct your spelling
swimming
 pools within local communities, governments make
exercise
Use synonyms
 easier to fit around work and family commitments.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 may be more likely to
exercise
Use synonyms
 consistently, improving their physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
 over time.
For example
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, if a local council opens an
afforadable
Correct your spelling
affordable
 gym in a residentail areas, nearby residents may be more willing to
exercise
Use synonyms
 after work because they do not have to travel or pay
expernsive memebership
Correct your spelling
expensive membership
 fees.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
buliding
Correct your spelling
building
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities may not be enough to improve public
health
Use synonyms
.
so
Capitalize the word
So
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 spend most of the day sitting, rely on cars for short journeys, and eat unhealthy food, even when a gym is available nearby.
Consequently
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, governments
also
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 need to promote healthier daily habits through measures
such
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 as nutrition
eduction
Use the right word
education
show examples
 and campaigns encouraging
people
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 to walk more often. For
istance
Correct your spelling
instance
,
community
Correct article usage
a community
show examples
 with afforadble gym could
also
Linking Words
 run a programme that teaches residents
hoe
Correct your spelling
how
 to prepare healthy meals and
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to walk to local shops.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 affordable
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to
exercise
Use synonyms
, they are unlikely to impeovepublic
health
Use synonyms
 on their own.
Governemnts
Correct your spelling
Governments
 should
also
Linking Words
 promote
Use synonyms
health
Replace the word
healthy
 eating and help
people
Use synonyms
 reduce the time they spend sitting each day.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. The first view is clear, but the second view has more detail. Add one more reason why sports places can help, such as giving young people a safe place to play.
task response
Make your own view even clearer in the last line of the first paragraph. You can say that sports places are useful, but they must be part of a wider health plan.
task response
Use a more specific example in the second main paragraph. Explain who runs the food class, what people learn, and how this may change their daily food choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan works well: introduction, first view, second view, and conclusion. Keep this clear plan.
coherence and cohesion
Start the second main paragraph with a capital letter: “So many people ...” Better still, use “However” to show a clear change to the other view.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For example”, “As a result”, and “Consequently” are used well. You can also link the final example more clearly: “In addition to a low-cost gym, the community could ...”
coherence and cohesion
Check word spelling and spacing, as these can slow the reader down. For example: “policymakers”, “providing”, “affordable”, “swimming”, “residential”, “education”, “instance”, “improve public health”, and “healthy eating”.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give a clear view that sports places alone will not solve public health problems.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant: easy access to exercise, less sitting, healthier food, and walking more.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear main idea, an explanation, and an example.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion matches your main view and brings the essay to a clear end.
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