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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people argue that the most effective way to improve public health is to increase the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this has little effect and that other measures are required. Discuss bo

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Introduction
In many countries, policymakers are debating the most effective way to improve public
health
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.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that
sports
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facilities
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 can enhance well-being more than other measures, others argue that additional measures are required.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why the latter viewpoint is more
convencing
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convincing
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, investing in
sports
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facilities
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 can encourage
people
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 to become more physically active. Many
people
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 struggle to
exercise
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 when
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
suitable spaces are expensive or far from home. By providing an afforadable gyms and swimming pools within local communities, governments make
exercise
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 easier to fit around work and family commitments.
As a result
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,
people
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 may be more likely to
exercise
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 consistently, improving their physical and mental
health
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 over time.
For example
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, if a local council opens an
afforadable
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affordable
 gym in
residentail
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residential
 areas, nearby residents may be more likely to
exercise
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 after work because they do not have to travel or pay expensive membership fees.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, building
sports
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facilities
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 may not be enough to improve public
health
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.
so
Capitalize the word
So
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 many
people
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 spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of
day
Correct article usage
the day
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 sitting, rely on cars for short journeys, and eat unhealthy food, even when a gym is available nearby.
Conseqently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, governments
also
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 need to promote healthier daily
habit
Check wording
habits
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 through measures
such
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 as
nutirtion
Correct your spelling
nutrition
 education and campaigns encouraging the population to walk more often.
For instance
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, a community with afforadable gym could
also
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 run a programme that teaches residents how to prepare
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy meals and encourages the population to walk to local shops.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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sports
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facilities
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 can encourage
people
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 to
exercise
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, they are unlikely to improve public
health
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. Governments should
also
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 promote healthy eating and help the population reduce the time they spend sitting each day.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your view even clearer, say more directly why food, walking, and less sitting may help more people than gyms alone.
task response
Your main ideas are clear and on topic. Add one more reason why a gym may not change daily life, such as lack of time, money, or interest.
task response
Your examples fit well. Make them more real by giving a clear place or group, for example, office workers, older people, or low-income families.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and end. Keep this shape in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Start the second body paragraph with “However” instead of “On the other hand” if you want a stronger change of view.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence starts. Do not begin a new sentence with “so” here. Write: “Many people spend most of the day sitting...”
coherence and cohesion
Some small word errors make the flow less smooth. Check phrases such as “suitable spaces”, “affordable gyms”, “healthy habits”, and “healthy meals”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both views and give a clear final view.
task response
The ideas about nearby, low-cost places for exercise are clear and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main point, an explanation, and an example.
coherence and cohesion
The end matches your main view and sums up the key ideas well.
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