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Writing Samples
Band 4

Guns has been considered the everyday item that must be possessed so as to live in the modern world. Some people say that owning a gun leagally should be prohibited due to numerous problems. Do you agree with the statement above? What problems can a gun possession cause?

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Introduction
The issue of whether
owining
Correct your spelling
owning
 a
gun
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 has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
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 believe that it is dangerous to own a
gun
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,
while
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 others argue that it is important to own a
gun
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.
This
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 essay will examine both
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 before offering my own opinion.
Although
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bothargyments
Correct your spelling
both arguments
 have their merits,I firmly believe that
people
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 should have a
gun
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for owning a
gun
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 argue that it is essential in recent years,the main reason is that many dangerous things might happen.
For instance
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,if a man walks in a foreign country,the criminals might kill the man,so it is important to own a weapon to protect
himself
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oneself
show examples
.
Furthermore
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,owning a
gun
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 leagally is benefical thing because the government will not allow to owning a
gun
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 for a bad men.
However
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,if many
people
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pay
Verb problem
own
show examples
 a
gun
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,the
econemy
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economy
 of the country will increase.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that owning a
gun
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leagally
Correct your spelling
legally
 should be prohibited
emphsise
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emphasise
 that it is dangerous to
owning
Wrong verb form
own
show examples
 a
gun
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 because many
teengars
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teenagers
 can steal the
gun
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 from their family.
For instance
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,if a boy
feel
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feels
show examples
 angry
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 his friend,the boy might steal the
gun
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 from his father and kill his friend.
In addition
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,many
people
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 do not think that having a
gun
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 is
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
 thing because they do their work quietly.Meanwhile,the guns might cause
hostillity
Correct your spelling
hostility
 between
people
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly
that
Verb problem
believe that
show examples
 it is
essentail
Correct your spelling
essential
 for
people
Use synonyms
 to own a
gun
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 .The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that having a
gun
Use synonyms
 can save
people
Use synonyms
`s lives.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give your view and talk about problems from gun use. However, your main view is not fully clear because you say people should own guns, but you also give strong reasons why guns are dangerous. State your view clearly and keep all main points in line with it.
task response
Explain each main point more. For example, say how legal rules, checks, safe storage, and police action may make gun use safer. Then explain why these steps may still fail.
task response
Your point about the economy is too short and not well shown. Explain how gun sales would help the country, or remove this point and use a stronger reason about self-protection.
task response
Use more real and careful examples. The example of a child taking a gun is clear, but it would be stronger if you explain that unsafe storage can lead to harm by accident or in anger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. This is a good basic plan. Make the order clearer by giving one main idea in each body paragraph and then fully explaining it.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are weak. For example, the move from legal gun ownership to the economy is sudden. Add a clear link, or place this idea in a new paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same words too often, such as "owning a gun" and "important." Use simple other forms like "gun ownership," "having a weapon," or "this right."
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are used well, but "Furthermore," "However," and "Meanwhile" should show a clear link to the sentence before them.
task response
You give a direct opinion in the start and repeat it in the ending.
task response
You include problems such as young people taking guns, anger, killing, and bad feelings between people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Examples are used to help show your ideas, especially the example of a boy taking his father’s gun.
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