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Band 5.5

Should students be allowed to use mobile phones at school?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, a question has arisen in our society and schools
:
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether
students
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
. They shouldn’t be allowed to
use
Use synonyms
 their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because they decrease
students
Use synonyms
'
concentration
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 and hinder their mental development during class.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
students
Use synonyms
'
concentration
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important matters in
school
Use synonyms
.
This
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 is because it improves their education and helps raise a new generation of geniuses, which is supported by banning mobile
phone
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, a Cambridge
school
Use synonyms
 in India has shown that banning them increases
students
Use synonyms
'
concentration
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 by 80%.
In contrast
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, local schools that allow mobile
phone
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 decrease
students
Use synonyms
'
concentration
Use synonyms
 by roughly 50%.
Therefore
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,
school
Use synonyms
 administrations must have a clear discussion about whether to allow mobile
phone
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Another important point is that mental development is a crucial matter in
school
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.
In other words
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, it increases their ability to analyse maths, memorise science, and revise topics effectively.
For instance
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, statistics show that when Oxford schools did not allow
students
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 to
use
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 their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
,
students
Use synonyms
' ability to be creative in comparative studies in religion, physical experiments, and solving puzzles increased.
As a result
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, the government should introduce new regulations to ban mobile
phone
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
. From my point of view, I do not allow
students
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 to
use
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 their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 under any circumstances.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both points are important for raising the global average intelligence of new generations. I believe that
students
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 shouldn’t be allowed to
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 until they graduate.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you give two main reasons: focus and mental growth. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly how phone use causes these problems in real class time.
task response
Some examples sound made up or are not clear, such as the school figures and the Oxford example. Use simple, real-life examples instead, or explain where the facts come from.
task response
The point about phones is too absolute. You say students should not use phones under any circumstances. You could make your view more complete by saying phones may be used only in an emergency or when a teacher asks.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make each body part start with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not fully clear. For example, the first body part ends by saying schools must have a discussion, but this does not strongly follow your view that phones should be banned. End the part by restating the reason for the ban.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like 'For example', 'In contrast', and 'As a result' are helpful, but make sure the next sentence truly gives an example, contrast, or result.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view through the whole essay.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: phones can take students away from class work and may affect learning.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Each main idea has its own paragraph, and the conclusion brings your view back at the end.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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