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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

organized tours to remote communities and other countris are increasingly popular. is it a positive or negative development for local people and environment

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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 the trend of planned trips to remote regions of the country
as well as
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 international destinations
become
Verb problem
has become
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 very popular. In my opinion,
although
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 it has some detrimental impact on local habitat, but their benefits to
native
Correct article usage
the native
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 population are unexceptional.
Body paragraph 1
The primary argument to justify my stance is
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of employment in remote areas. Tourism not only becomes their mode of income but
also
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play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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 a vital role in providing other facilities to local communities
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as healthcare, education, transportation and
own
Correct determiner usage
their own
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 cultural and traditional identity.
For example
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, people visiting Rajasthan in India make it
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 developed state with more business investments and
unique
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a unique
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 identity as
royal
Correct article usage
a royal
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 state.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, rising interest of people to visit natural habitats has its noxious effects on
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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. To accommodate large tourism
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 need
of
Change preposition
for
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 waste, land, transportation and sanitary
need
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needs
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also
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increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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. To facilitate
this
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, deforestation and waste production
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 rapidly increased.
For instance
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, in
Himalayas
Correct article usage
the Himalayas
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Linking Words
due
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, due
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 to
escalated
Correct article usage
the escalated
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 demand
of
Change preposition
for
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 vehicles
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 greenhouse gases emission is quite high
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 causes damage to
inhabitants
Correct article usage
the inhabitants
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 excess travel to remote are cause loss of local biodiversity to some extent, the advantages of tourism to local communities via increased employment and capital flow ultimately
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 their living standards better. I believe
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should take feasible measures to improve local life.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. Your main view is clear: tourism is good for local people, but it can harm nature. Make your view even clearer in the first paragraph by saying that it is mainly a positive change, if it is well managed.
task response
Explain the good points in more detail. Show how tourist money can give local people jobs in hotels, shops, transport, and guiding. Then explain how this money can help schools, roads, and health care.
task response
Your examples are useful, but they need more detail. For Rajasthan, say what kind of jobs or business grew. For the Himalayas, explain how more cars, rubbish, and new buildings harm the land and wildlife.
task response
Do not say the benefits are “unexceptional.” This word does not fit your meaning. Use “greater,” “more important,” or “stronger” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, good effects, bad effects, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “One major benefit is more work for local people.” Then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words clearly: “First,” “Also,” “However,” “For example,” and “As a result.” Do not put “although” and “but” in the same sentence, because both show contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because words are missing or the word order is not clear. For example, write “the demand for waste services, land, transport, and sanitation also increases” instead of “the need of waste, land, transportation and sanitary need also increase.”
coherence and cohesion
Make your conclusion match your opinion exactly. You say tourism improves life, but the last sentence only asks the government to improve local life. Add that the government should control tourism to protect nature while keeping its benefits.
task response
You give a direct opinion and discuss both local people and the environment.
task response
The points about jobs, money, services, and harm to nature are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each main point has its own paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples from Rajasthan and the Himalayas to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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