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Band 4.5

Students leave high school without learning the way how to manage their money. What are the reasons and solutions of this issue?

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Introduction
The issue of the
students
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 who leave high school without learning
the way
Check wording
apply
show examples
how to
mange
Use the right word
manage
show examples
 their
money
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 has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some people believe that
students
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 should learn how to
mange
Correct your spelling
manage
 their
money
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 ,
while
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 others argue that it is not important to learn how to
mange
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manage
 their
money
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.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
students
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 should learn how to manage their
money
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate that
students
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 should learn how to manage their
money
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 argue that there are many
students
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can
Correct pronoun usage
who can
show examples
 not
have a
Verb problem
apply
show examples
control
with
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apply
show examples
their
money
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 ,so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they can not afford the simple
price
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prices
show examples
 in their daily life.
For instance
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,if a student spends all of his
money
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 at
restruants
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restaurants
 and
playrs
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plays
,
at the end
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 of the month the
students
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 do not have any
money
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 to
eats
Wrong verb form
eat
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.
Furthermore
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,many families feel upseted from their children because the children always ask their parents to give them
money
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that it is not
essentail
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essential
 to the
students
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 learning how to manage their
money
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emphsise
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emphasise
 that
students
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 must focus on their education and work hard.
For example
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 ,if a student
concerntates
Correct your spelling
concentrates
 on his
money
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 and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not pay attention
about
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to
show examples
 his education,he might
fall on
Verb problem
fail
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 his exams ,which impact on his future.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
students
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 should learn how to manage their
money
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 .The reasons outlined above clearly
demonstarte
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demonstrate
 that it is needful to assist
students
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save
Change preposition
in saving
show examples
 their
money
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer the exact question. The topic asks for reasons and solutions, but your essay mainly gives two views. Add one full part about why schools do not teach money skills, and one full part about how schools, parents, and banks can help.
task response
Make your main ideas more clear. For reasons, you could write that schools have little time and focus on exam work. For solutions, you could suggest a short class on saving, spending, and making a simple plan.
task response
Use examples that show the problem and the answer. For example, students can make a weekly plan for food, travel, and fun. This will make your ideas more real and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the two main parts should be changed to “reasons” and “solutions” so the order matches the question.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. Then explain it, give an example, and link it back to the question. This will help the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a more direct way: “One reason is…”, “Another reason is…”, “One solution is…”, and “As a result…”. Do not repeat “students should learn how to manage money” too many times.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph sum up the reasons and solutions. Your last line talks only about saving money, but money skills also include spending, planning, and knowing what people can afford.
task response
You give a clear view that students need to learn how to manage money.
task response
You use examples about spending too much and asking parents for money. These examples are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so it is easy to see the main shape of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On one hand”, “Furthermore”, and “To sum up” to show changes between ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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