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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self employed rather than to work for a company or organisation why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self employed?

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People nowadays choose to be self-employed rather than to
work
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 for an organisation as being self-employed allows them to
work
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according to
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 their own self.
However
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, I strongly disagree with the notion that being self-employed brings more harm than good to both individuals and society. Technology has a great influence on the lives of youngsters who make up the majority of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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self-employed workers. The idea is that working for an organisation is limited and does not allow for financial freedom.
For example
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, through jobs in companies like Google, Facebook and Instagram employees are able to maintain a sustainable income that empowers them to live and eat.
On the other hand
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, self-employment-obsessed humans want to own a company that has individuals working for them so that can purchase anything they wish.
Moreover
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, the idea of self-employment seems good perhaps not because with
this
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 it brings great responsibility and stress to earn sustainable learning at the initial stages of their careers so that they can take care of themselves and their families. They are required to open their own business,
for example
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, content creation, a freelancing institution or a real estate business that can earn them a living.
In addition
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 to
this
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, it brings health problems, hinders personal relationships and increases the burden of
work
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 as they are required to
work
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 and
also
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 need to manage the organisation's operations. In conclusion, these individuals have to bear high levels of stress, fatigue and even health implications.
In addition
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 to
this
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, they
also
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 have little to no income in the initial stages of their self-employment as they have to provide a salary for themselves so that they can pay rent, manage operational costs and eat. These problems eventually lead to burnout and depression and even can make the person hate their
work
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.

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task achievement
Provide a clearer stance in the introduction. It seems like you are arguing both sides, which can create confusion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you develop it fully to enhance understanding.
task achievement
Consider using more specific examples or real-life references to better illustrate your points, particularly regarding the downsides of self-employment.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
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