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Band 4.5

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some argue that most
people
Use synonyms
 think that their teenage
years
Use synonyms
 are the
most happier
Replace the word
happiest
years
Use synonyms
 in their
life
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, others believe that
despite
Punctuation problem
, despite
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
responsibilities,
adult
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
 is more full of happiness.
Although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 come across with fewer responsibilities
dutring
Correct your spelling
during
 their early
years
Use synonyms
 of adulthood, I think that
Use synonyms
adult like
Replace the word
adulthood
 brings more
joyness
Replace the word
joy
 because of full-fillment of goals in
life
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, during
teenage
Correct article usage
the teenage
show examples
 period, most
people
Use synonyms
 are stress-free from household responsibilities. Most of the times parents do pay their teenagers fees, pay electricity and water bills, and give
pocket money to them
Correct word order
them pocket money
show examples
 to reduce
job
Use synonyms
 stress. The purpose is to make sure that their teenage children feel more
relax
Replace the word
relaxed
 and focus well in their studies. I
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, however
show examples
however
Punctuation problem
however,
show examples
 believe that teenagers still think about how to get a
job
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;
consequently
Linking Words
, they do not feel
much
Rephrase
very
show examples
 relaxed all the
times
Check wording
time
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, often secondary school students struggle to find a
job
Use synonyms
 during their
last
Linking Words
 year in school.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I presume
adult
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life
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 is more full of happiness because
people
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already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
 their goals by
reaching at
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that age. Many
adult
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 individuals get married, find their
desire
Replace the word
desired
job
Use synonyms
, have children, and receive family support during
this
Linking Words
 period because they
already had struggle
Correct word order
had already struggled
show examples
 to achieve all
this
Linking Words
 during
teenage
Correct determiner usage
their teenage
show examples
time
Check wording
years
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that
adult
Use synonyms
 individuals not only face
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 challenges but
Linking Words
also
Verb problem
are also
show examples
 more satisfied
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, many professionals, including doctors, engineers, and lawyers,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
struggle during their early
years
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 of
teenage
Correct determiner usage
their teenage
show examples
but
Check wording
years but
show examples
 get
desire
Replace the word
desirable
 jobs after
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
 of
years
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 and face less financial pressure in
life
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, teenagers
come across with
Verb problem
face
show examples
 fewer challenges because of family support.
In contrast
Linking Words
, I think
adulthood
Correct article usage
the adulthood
show examples
 period is the
most
Rephrase
apply
show examples
happiest time of
ones'
Fix the agreement mistake
one's
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 as
people
Use synonyms
already
Verb problem
have already
show examples
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
 their goals in
life
Use synonyms
,
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them stress-free in
life
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, explain why adults may still be happy even with work, bills, and family care.
task response
Some ideas are too broad. For example, not all adults have a job, get married, or have less money worry. Use words such as “many” or “some”, and show that life can be different for different people.
task response
Your school-leaver example fits the teen side, but it is not very clear: many students do not need to find a job in their last year at school. Give a more usual case, such as worry about exams, future study, or friends.
task response
For the adult side, add one clear real-life example. For example, an adult may feel proud after getting a job, making a home, or caring for a child.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear plan: opening, teen view, adult view, and ending. Keep this four-part plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. In the teen paragraph, you first say teens are free from stress, then say they worry about jobs. Explain that they have fewer home duties, but may still worry about school and the future.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “I however believe” needs commas: “I, however, believe”. Also, “therefore” should show a clear result from the idea before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as “more full of happiness”, “goals in life”, and “stress-free”. Use simple forms like “happier”, “goals”, and “less stress”.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain the teen view, the adult view, and state your own opinion.
task response
Your main idea is clear: adults may feel happy when they reach important goals, such as work and family life.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main focus, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending both show your view, which gives the essay a clear shape.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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