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Band 4.5

In today's word many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweight the disadvantages?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 have smartphones.
This
Linking Words
 can have more advantages than its disadvantages when
phones
Use synonyms
 are reliable,
if
Correct word choice
and if
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are lost anywhere.
While
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
's
information
Use synonyms
 can be revealed
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they stored on their
phones
Use synonyms
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 drawback can have a
sloution
Correct your spelling
solution
, if
people
Use synonyms
 set up security
question
Check wording
questions
show examples
 for their
emails
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is reliable for
people
Use synonyms
 to have mobile
phones
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,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if they are in foreign locations for them, these
phones
Use synonyms
 can be
guidance
Replace the word
a guide
. Before,
people
Use synonyms
 relied on
others
Check wording
others'
show examples
 descriptions or
maps
Use synonyms
 to know new places or locations.
Linking Words
However
Punctuation problem
However,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 did not always work ,especially if
people
Use synonyms
 were lost in forests or deserts, they would be less likely to find anyone to ask. In these
occasions
Add a comma
occasions,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 would not find others to ask about roads, so they can end up
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lost until
find
Correct pronoun usage
they find
show examples
 someone. But with mobile
phones
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
, development
show examples
development now are
Correct word order
they are now
show examples
 connected to satellites that provide
maps
Use synonyms
 to the earth for these
phones
Use synonyms
. Currently,
people
Use synonyms
 who have mobile
Use synonyms
phones
Punctuation problem
phones,
show examples
 if they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not know any new place, they would open the map
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 easily.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can be safer than before
specifically
Punctuation problem
, specifically
show examples
 if they end up
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anywhere
that
Correct pronoun usage
where
show examples
 there are no
people
Use synonyms
 to ask, because they become
depend
Replace the word
dependent
 on their
phones
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
's
information
Use synonyms
 can
be possibly
Correct word order
possibly be
show examples
 revealed
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they have
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
phones
Use synonyms
. A lot of mobile
Check wording
phone
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 companies have systems to store
people
Use synonyms
's
informations
Check wording
information
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
icloud
Capitalize the proper name
iCloud
show examples
 by Apple
inc
Capitalize the proper name
Inc
show examples
. For these systems,
people
Use synonyms
 are supposed to have
emails
Use synonyms
 in these systems to use these
companies
Check wording
companies'
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
. From
this
Linking Words
point
Add a comma
point,
show examples
 the problem can happen when these
emails
Use synonyms
sometimes others are able
Correct word order
are sometimes available
show examples
 to
have them
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, someone created a fake website that
ask
Correct subject-verb agreement
asks
show examples
 for
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
emails
Use synonyms
 and passwords
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
, and then
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 give them
write them
Check wording
their information
show examples
, he would have access to all of their
information
Use synonyms
.
These
Fix the agreement mistake
This
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 can be personal photos, accounts and
fills
Use the right word
files
show examples
 are saved on their
emails
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, those hackers can ask
people
Use synonyms
 for money to not reveale these
information
Use synonyms
 for public. But, fortunately,
people
Use synonyms
 can prevent
this
Linking Words
 with
security
Correct article usage
the security
show examples
questions
Use synonyms
 option.
This
Linking Words
 option
ask
Correct subject-verb agreement
asks
show examples
people
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
question
Check wording
questions
show examples
 that
there is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
no one know their answers
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
questions
Use synonyms
 can save
people
Use synonyms
 if their
emails
Use synonyms
 are hacked to ask hackers those
questions
Use synonyms
 before they have access to
emails
Use synonyms
's
information
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, now
people
Use synonyms
 ,who own mobile
phones
Use synonyms
, cannot
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
, if they are in places that do not have
people
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Also
Punctuation problem
Also,
show examples
 when they do not have
maps
Use synonyms
, they would reach their
destenation
Correct your spelling
destination
 without relying on any of these two methods, if they had mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. Because mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 have
Use synonyms
maps
Check wording
map
show examples
 applications connected to satellites to guide them.
This
Linking Words
 advantage can exceed the
disadvantage
Check wording
disadvantages
show examples
 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
. These
phones
Use synonyms
when
Punctuation problem
, when
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's
information
Use synonyms
 would be revealed by their
emails
Use synonyms
 easily, if someone had them. But
this
Linking Words
 cannot happen if
people
Use synonyms
 use security
questions
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part. Say that the good points are greater than the bad points, and give the main reason.
task response
The essay has one good point about maps and one bad point about loss of private data. Add one more strong good point, such as help in an emergency or fast contact with family.
task response
Explain why the good points are greater overall. At present, the last part says this, but it does not fully compare the two sides.
task response
Your example of a false web page is on topic. Make it more clear: a person may give a password to a false site, then the other person can see private photos and bank details.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view, one part for good points, one part for bad points, and a last part that gives your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each part on one main idea. The first body part is about maps, and the next part is about private data; this is clear. Make the links between sentences shorter and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use 'if' too often. Many sentences become long and hard to follow. Use full, direct sentences instead: 'Smartphones help lost people find their way.'
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words with care: 'First', 'However', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'. Do not repeat the same link word many times.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'people', 'mobile phones', and 'information' in close sentences. Use 'users', 'these phones', 'private data', or 'this risk' where the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the good points are greater.
task response
The map example is useful and shows how smartphones can help people in new or unsafe places.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a first part, two main body parts, and a last part. This gives it a clear basic shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as 'Firstly', 'However', 'For example', and 'As a result'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Instantaneous communication
  • Global connectivity
  • Information superhighway
  • Streamlined tasks
  • Multifunctional device
  • Emergency access
  • Digital literacy
  • Health tracking
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Cybersecurity
  • Data encryption
  • Digital detox
  • Screen time
  • E-waste
  • Carbon footprint
  • Sustainable disposal
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