IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that in some areas parks and open
places
Use synonyms
 are being transformed into
gradens
Correct your spelling
gardens
 where local
people
Use synonyms
 can
plants
Wrong verb form
plant
show examples
 their own fruit and vegetables.
Body paragraph 1
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
this
Linking Words
 development offers various
advantages
Use synonyms
, others believe it brings certain drawbacks. In my opinion, I believe that the
advantages
Use synonyms
 are more significant
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as healthy
opitions
Correct your spelling
options
 residents can get
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 planting can reduce stress. On the one hand, there are some disadvantages that should be considered. What I mean is that reducing
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of parks and open
places
Use synonyms
 can create a major problem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can play and enjoy their
time
Use synonyms
 if these
places
Use synonyms
 are being changed into gardens
where
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 need intensive care; in order to care about these
plants
Punctuation problem
plants,
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 need to be prohibited from entering the place.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 will find it difficult to spend
time
Use synonyms
 outdoors with their peers
due to
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limited
Correct article usage
the limited
show examples
places
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
provided.
Body paragraph 3
As a result
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, young
people
Use synonyms
 will spend more
time
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 in other activities like video games rather than playing in natural
places
Use synonyms
 to get fresh air.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are several
advantages
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 to
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 more gardens to the
people
Use synonyms
. In fact, the primary benefit is that local residents can grow healthy fruit and vegetables, which
can be sure completely they are
Correct word order
are completely
show examples
 free from any harmful chemicals
healthier
Punctuation problem
, healthier
show examples
 than supermarkets or local shops.
Body paragraph 4
Although
Linking Words
 planting
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 and effort to grow healthy without problems, the benefits of self planting is worth the effort
than any other alternatives are
Correct word order
compared to any other alternatives
show examples
 provided. A study published by New York
university
Capitalize the proper name
University
show examples
 in 2015 concluded that planting vegetables or fruits showed that it can reduce stress and
anxity
Replace the word
anxiety
 by 15%.
Body paragraph 5
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
advantages
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 planting are more considerable
Linking Words
due to
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 it provides
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy ingrediends and it can reduce stress
due to
Linking Words
 work or study. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 planting has some drawbacks
such
Linking Words
 as reducing the
places
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 can play and enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature, I believe that its
advantages
Use synonyms
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 decrease strees and
provides
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 healthier
foods
Punctuation problem
foods,
show examples
 are vital.
Conclusion
Ultimately, the positive impact of
this
Linking Words
 trend is heavily outweighed by the negative consequences it creates for
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation

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Task response
You answer the question and give a clear view that the good points are stronger. However, your last sentence says the bad points are stronger. Make sure your view stays the same from start to end.
Task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, say how home-grown food is better, and why a garden may mean less safe play space for children.
Task response
Your study example is useful, but give a clear source only if you are sure it is true. A simple real-life example can also work well.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body parts, and an end. Put the disadvantages in one full paragraph and the advantages in another full paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some links do not match the idea that follows. For example, use “because” to give a reason, “however” for a different view, and “therefore” for a result.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep sentences short and clear. Some sentences have too many ideas, so the meaning is hard to follow. Write one main idea in each sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “places”, “planting”, and “advantages”. You can use “public space”, “community garden”, “growing food”, and “benefits” instead.
Task response
You discuss both sides of the issue and give useful points about fresh food, stress, and children’s play.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and include an introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “On the one hand”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” to connect ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Urban Agriculture
  • Community Engagement
  • Social Interaction
  • Physical Exercise
  • Mental Relaxation
  • Fresh Produce
  • Sustainability
  • Biodiversity
  • Carbon Footprint
  • Air Quality
  • Educational Opportunities
  • Horticulture
  • Teamwork
  • Sustainable Living
  • Food Security
  • Locally-grown
  • Nutritious
  • Neighborhood Bonds
  • Urban Sustainability
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