IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that it is not wise for an industry to replace its experienced but old workers with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In today's competitive era, everyone
has wanted
Wrong verb form
wants
show examples
 to chase their competitors. Some
people
Use synonyms
 say that it is not the right decision to replace
old
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
older employees by young worker. I totally opposed
this
Linking Words
 argument by providing
below information
Correct word order
the information below
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, if the company does not retire old
people
Use synonyms
than
Correct word choice
, then
show examples
 the unemployment of that nation getting an increase because some company has decided to recruit a certain number of
people
Use synonyms
 in a year.
For instance
Linking Words
, I am working with a multinational
companycompany
Correct your spelling
company
 where they have decided to hire 50 new
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every year.
In addition
Linking Words
, they do not want to keep more employees because in the
Linking Words
last
Check wording
end
show examples
 they avoid the cost of employment.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, old
worker
Check wording
workers
show examples
 cannot work for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 time constantly, like
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 young
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 around 20-25 years old can work almost 6-7 hours continuously without any break
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
old age
Replace the word
older
people
Use synonyms
 wanted break
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every 2-3 hours.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it
is affected to
Verb problem
affects
show examples
 the productivity of their employer where they are working
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
no
Correct word choice
and no
show examples
 one wants
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their company
going
Wrong verb form
to go
show examples
 into
loss
Correct article usage
a loss
show examples
.
Body paragraph 3
In contrary, many industries do not want to lose their experienced
people
Use synonyms
. They think
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 their experience would be better
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 some fresh
people
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they have to give training to new
employee
Check wording
employees
show examples
. Somehow, some companies keep their loyal and honest employees. They are respecting their dedicated workers
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 the big reason
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we heard several times
this
Linking Words
 phrase "old is gold".
Conclusion
In conclusion, for
growth
Correct article usage
the growth
show examples
 of any country, industries have to give
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to youth and minimise
violation
Check wording
violations
show examples
 like
bully
Replace the word
bullying
, hoist etc. Because of unemployment.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first lines. You say you disagree, but the main body also gives strong reasons to keep older workers. Choose one clear view, or say you agree only in part.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, show why hiring young people helps the country, and why this is more important than the value of older workers’ skills.
task response
Use examples that fit the point. Your work example is useful, but explain how hiring 50 people affects jobs and the company’s needs.
task response
The last line about bullying and hoists does not link clearly to replacing older workers. Remove it or replace it with a direct point about jobs, training, or work skill.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view, two body parts that support it, one short part about the other view, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. Then give an explanation and an example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, and “Therefore” can help, but make sure the next sentence truly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion match your main view. At present, it adds new ideas instead of giving a short final answer to the question.
task response
You give reasons on both sides, including jobs for young people and the value of experience.
task response
You use a real work-based example, which makes one point more specific.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraph breaks and uses a beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You try to guide the reader with linking words such as “First and foremost”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • experienced
  • old workers
  • young
  • inexperienced
  • replace
  • industry
  • wise
  • argue
  • valuable
  • skills
  • knowledge
  • loss of expertise
  • lack
  • necessary
  • experience
  • maturity
  • diverse
  • workforce
  • mix
  • age groups
  • beneficial
  • focus
  • providing opportunities
  • continuous learning
  • development
  • balanced approach
  • smooth transition
  • maintain productivity
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