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Writing Samples
Band 4

It is important for people to take risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risk outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
In
todays
Correct your spelling
today's
 world
plenty
Punctuation problem
, plenty
show examples
 of people
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 taking
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
 can push you
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
harder or impact your
ambitious
Replace the word
ambitions
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many
succesful businessmens
Correct your spelling
successful businessmen
 said "Take the
risk
Use synonyms
, that's how you can win
this
Linking Words
 world without suffering", and
that is
Linking Words
 how some population got inspired.
Body paragraph 1
On the
hand
Correct determiner usage
one hand
show examples
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 is a reason to taking
risk
Use synonyms
, which means you have to create
plan
Correct article usage
a plan
show examples
 or you will lose everything. And
that is
Linking Words
 the most essential thing
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 taking
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
. Once you
created
Verb problem
have created
show examples
 the plan
how
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 it will impact
me
Change preposition
on me
show examples
 positive of taking
risk
Use synonyms
, even in your major or private life.
Therefore
Linking Words
, not only in business,
even
Correct word choice
but also
show examples
 in
game
Check wording
games
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as chess
,counter-strike
Correct word order
and Counter-Strike,
show examples
because it might lead you to victory. Another case is in trading, the
companies
Check wording
company's
show examples
 stock
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can change
whenever
Change preposition
at any time,
show examples
 which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can lead you to
bankrupt
Replace the word
bankruptcy
 or profit. What I try to say is lose before you regret.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
That
Fix capitalization
that
show examples
risk
Use synonyms
 will turn into
disaster
Correct article usage
a disaster
show examples
 in your life or work. The reason is taking
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
 without thinking is one of the dangerous
move
Fix the agreement mistake
moves
show examples
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 you feel like you can do it.
Also
Linking Words
, of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 you can't take
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
 all the time
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 there will be
perfect
Correct article usage
a perfect
show examples
 timing
that
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 you can take
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
 freely, which means always think before
move
Correct pronoun usage
you move
show examples
, same as chess. You always think before moving
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 even you can predict your oponent which
Linking Words
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
is why
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 a
risk
Use synonyms
 is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as chess.
Conclusion
In conclusion, taking
Use synonyms
risk
Check wording
risks
show examples
 can lead you into two
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
. One
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
lead you into disaster.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, you will be successful and joyful. So, always think before you take
Use synonyms
risk
Correct article usage
a risk
show examples
 or you will live like
prisoner
Correct article usage
a prisoner
show examples
.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first part. Say if you think the good sides are greater than the bad sides, and keep this view in all parts.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how a planned risk at work can lead to a new job or more money, then say why this is greater than the possible loss.
task response
Use clear and real examples. The chess and game examples are linked to risk, but work and home life examples would answer the question more directly.
task response
Do not use ideas that are hard to understand, such as “lose before you regret”. State exactly what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, good sides, bad sides, and conclusion. Each body part should have one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main sentence. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. “On the one hand” should introduce one side, and “On the other hand” should introduce the other side. Do not repeat the chess idea in both parts.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion match your main view. At present, it says both results are possible, but it does not clearly say which side is greater.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of taking risks, which is important for this question.
task response
You try to use examples from business, trading, games, work, and private life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking phrases, such as “Moreover”, “Therefore”, and “On the other hand”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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