IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Today, more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult,
such
Linking Words
 as the Sahara Desert or the Antarctic. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit
such
Linking Words
 places?
Body paragraph 1
Level
Correct article usage
The level
show examples
 of
traveling incredibly increase
Correct word order
travelling has increased incredibly
show examples
across
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
world
Use synonyms
 .
Hence
Linking Words
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
 prefer
go
Verb problem
to go
show examples
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
place
Use synonyms
where
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 has harsh
weather
Use synonyms
.There are beneficial side is to
learn adopt
Wrong verb form
learning to adapt
show examples
 to it
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
drawback
Correct article usage
a drawback
show examples
 is not having any medical
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, visiting any part of
Use synonyms
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
 provides many benefits for
tourist
Check wording
tourists
show examples
.
One
Use synonyms
 of the most important beneficial
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 who go uncommon
place
Use synonyms
 can learn adopt any difficulties in terms of
weather
Use synonyms
 . It
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
 that
one
Use synonyms
traveler
Change the spelling
traveller
show examples
 who
live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
 only hot environment
maybe
Use the right word
may
show examples
 not
Verb problem
be
show examples
aware of how
survive
Verb problem
to survive
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cold
Use synonyms
weather
Punctuation problem
weather,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 another person who
dwell
Correct subject-verb agreement
dwells
show examples
 in
cold
Correct article usage
a cold
show examples
 atmosphere can
expreince at
Verb problem
experience
show examples
 scorching
condition
Check wording
conditions
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
 , there are
Use synonyms
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 where
never
Correct pronoun usage
it never
show examples
 rains and
snow
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
 and
Linking Words
this type
Fix the agreement mistake
these types
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 are able to understand
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
fact
Punctuation problem
fact,
show examples
 what
is
Correct word order
snow or rain is
show examples
snow
Use synonyms
 or rain when they visit
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
type
Check wording
apply
show examples
of
climate
Check wording
climates
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
 , my
neighbor
Change the spelling
neighbour
show examples
 who
dwell
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
show examples
 in the india not aware of
snow
Use synonyms
 because he
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 lived in
part
Correct article usage
a part
show examples
 of
india
Capitalize the proper name
India
show examples
 where
not
Rephrase
there is no
show examples
snow
Use synonyms
 .
This
Linking Words
 person
come to
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
 there
due to
Linking Words
 her study and
study
Replace the word
studying
 can
cause
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 how adopt harsh
climate
Check wording
climates
show examples
.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 for
globetrotter
Correct article usage
a globetrotter
show examples
person
Check wording
apply
show examples
to travel
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
world
Use synonyms
 . The most
hardly
Correct word choice
difficult
show examples
 situation is not having any medical
place
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 health. Of course ,
people
Use synonyms
 can bring a doctor with themselves
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it unwise way to prevent any injuries without
hospital
Correct article usage
a hospital
show examples
 or perhaps
Correct article usage
a
show examples
doctor
maybe
Use the right word
may
show examples
 have
disease
Correct article usage
a disease
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 environment.
For instance
Linking Words
, about two years
ago
Punctuation problem
ago,
show examples
 a group of
people
Use synonyms
 went
the antarctica
Change preposition
to Antarctica
show examples
 and suddenly
member
Correct article usage
a member
show examples
 of
team
Correct article usage
the team
show examples
 go through heart attack
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
anfortunately
Correct your spelling
unfortunately
, there were
not hospital
Rephrase
no hospitals
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 ravel
leaded
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 .
Conclusion
Overall
Linking Words
,
traveling which is
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 around the
world
Use synonyms
 has both negative and positive side to travelers . The positive aspect is to gain knowledge about
kind
Correct article usage
the kind
show examples
 of
weather
Use synonyms
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 is
not available a hospital
Correct word order
that there is no hospital available
show examples
 in its surrounding when some injuries occur
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.
Verb problem
will be unable to access medical care.
show examples

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your ideas stronger, add more than one clear good point and one clear bad point. For example, talk about new views, nature, and personal growth, then talk about health risk, cost, and danger.
task response
Keep your main ideas close to the question. The point about learning about weather is useful, but explain why this is a real benefit for tourists. The point about no hospital is clear; add how far help may be and why this can be very serious.
task response
Your examples need to be easier to follow. In the India example, say clearly where the person lived, where they went, and what they learned. In the Antarctica example, explain that bad weather and long distance can stop quick help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Make each paragraph begin with one short main idea, then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words in a natural way: "First," "For example," "As a result," and "However." Do not use "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" unless the two sides are very clearly matched.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to understand because the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences. For example: "Tourists may learn how to deal with very cold weather. However, medical help may be far away if they get hurt."
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending a short summary of the two main points. Do not add a new idea there. State the benefit first, then the drawback, in the same clear words used in the body.
task response
You discuss both a benefit and a drawback, so your answer stays on the main topic.
task response
The health example is linked to travel in hard places and shows why this kind of trip can be dangerous.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has four clear parts: an opening, a benefit paragraph, a drawback paragraph, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "Moreover," "For example," and "Overall," which helps show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • breathtaking landscapes
  • unique ecosystems
  • sense of adventure
  • personal growth
  • indigenous cultures
  • environmental conservation
  • climate change
  • environmental degradation
  • economically disadvantaged areas
  • physical health
  • harsh weather
  • difficult terrain
  • limited access to medical facilities
  • fragile ecosystems
  • habitat destruction
  • basic amenities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: