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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

"Some people think that young adults should leave their parents' home as soon as they finish school to live independently, while others believe they should continue living with their family until they are older. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Many individuals say that young people should
be leaving
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 their families once they become
adults
Use synonyms
 to build their life from the beginning
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, others say that they should not. People debate between if parents should allow their teenagers to leave them and travel abroad or even inside the country to achieve their goals and reach to the best version of themselves,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
adults
Use synonyms
 better be with their families until they turn into the age of 20, so they can be fully prepared once they decide to travel abroad to make achievements.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 abroad as
Use synonyms
adults
Fix the agreement mistake
an adult
show examples
 might be difficult because it
has to have
Verb problem
requires
show examples
 a lot
sacrifices
Change preposition
of sacrifices
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 leaving
friend
Check wording
friends
show examples
 and family early, and big changes when it comes to the environment that he uses to
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in.
However
Linking Words
, if an
adult
Use synonyms
 person knows how to be fully responsible and handle things in a
wisely
Replace the word
wise
 way, he could definitely change his life way
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
better, especially if he is from one of those countries that
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not provide students with their needs. Most of the successful engineers or developers from India had to leave the country once they became
adults
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 did that because the have seen the chances right there.
Body paragraph 2
On the
second
Correct word choice
other
show examples
 hand, being with your family and your group of friends
while
Linking Words
 you are building your life and achieving your personal goals can help you much more
rather
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
than
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 abroad, especially if you are an
adult
Use synonyms
, because family is one of the most important aspects of our lives, and existing with them can be much more
supporting
Replace the word
supportive
 for you rather than leaving them.
Adults
Use synonyms
 can make a lot of cognitive developments with their family because they can be focused only on the aspects that they need to improve, without
getting destructed
Verb problem
being distracted
show examples
 by handling a lot of things
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same
period
Check wording
time
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, families should decide what is better for their
adults
Use synonyms
 based on their personalities and desires
, traveling
Punctuation problem
. Travelling
show examples
 abroad could bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success for the
adult
Use synonyms
 if he knows how to handle things well, and being
existed with
Verb problem
surrounded by
show examples
 family can be
so much
Rephrase
very
show examples
 supportive for the
adult
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 he will be able to be completely focused on
his
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 goals that he wants to achieve.

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task response
Discuss both views more fully. The first view is about leaving home after school, not only about travel abroad. Explain how living alone can teach young adults to manage money, time, work, and daily life.
task response
Give a clearer opinion in the last paragraph. Say directly which choice you think is better, or say that it depends on clear facts such as money, study plans, and family needs.
task response
Use examples that fit the main point. The example about engineers from India is too broad and is not explained well. Give one clear example of a young person who leaves home for work or study.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, first view, second view, and conclusion. Each body paragraph should begin with one clear main idea and then give reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus on living with parents or living independently. Much of the essay changes this into travel abroad, but a young adult can leave home and still live in the same country.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Avoid very long sentences with many ideas joined by commas.
coherence and cohesion
Make pronouns clear and use the same words for the same idea. Instead of 'he' and 'adult person', use 'young adults' when you mean people in general.
task response
You include both sides of the discussion and give a final view that family needs and personal plans matter.
task response
You give useful reasons for each side, such as freedom and new chances on one side, and family help and focus on the other.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use clear signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'On the second hand', and 'In conclusion'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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