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Writing Samples
Band 6

These days, if people have health problems, many do not visit doctors. They try to get better at home by themselves. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, some
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to treat themselves at home
instead
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 of visiting a doctor when they are ill.
Although
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this
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 may not be problematic for a common cold, in severe cases,
this
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 can worsen the situation.
Thus
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, I believe
this
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 is generally a negative development.
Body paragraph 1
Most
people
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 do not possess the medical knowledge required to diagnose and treat illnesses properly. In order to recover effectively, a patient first needs to undergo appropriate examinations so that the actual
condition
Use synonyms
 can be identified. Only
then
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, they can
Correct word order
can they
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 be prescribed medications to specifically target the cause. Healthcare professionals spend years of education and professional training to develop the knowledge and skills needed for diagnosis and treatment. Self-treatment
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however
Punctuation problem
, however
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, ignores
this
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 important process and may lead
people
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 to rely on remedies that are unsuitable for their actual
condition
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, not all conditions can be cured by the body’s natural immune system. In fact, if someone is developing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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symptoms related to a serious
condition
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, relying on ineffective remedies and rest equals ignoring the
condition
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 entirely.
This
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, by allowing the cause to develop symptoms with no barrier to disrupt its mechanism, can put the patient in a dangerous situation. By visiting a healthcare practitioner and checking the signs of their illness,
people
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 can ensure that they are not overlooking it, and
also
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 not delaying treatment.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
although
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 it is seen that some tend to use different methods of self-treatment at home, it is undeniably not an appropriate practice
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 by doing
so
Punctuation problem
so,
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 a patient is giving the disease an opportunity to grow, sometimes in silence.
Therefore
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, visiting a doctor is the most reasonable choice when sick.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you answer the question well. To make it stronger, explain when home care is safe, such as for a cold, and when a doctor is needed. This will make your view more balanced.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but add one real and clear example. For example, a person may think chest pain is only stress, wait at home, and then need urgent help. This would make your point more convincing.
task response
Some claims are too strong, such as saying that self-care gives a disease a chance to grow. Say that it may delay care or make a health problem worse. This is more exact and fair.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this. Make the link between the first and second main part clearer: the first is about wrong care, while the second is about waiting too long.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example, use "However" after the point about a cold, "As a result" before the risk of delay, and "For this reason" in the ending. Do not use too many long link phrases.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are hard to follow because they are long and use unclear words. For example, change "This, by allowing the cause to develop symptoms with no barrier to disrupt its mechanism" to "As a result, the illness may get worse while the person waits at home."
coherence and cohesion
Check small spacing and sentence issues. There should be a space after "silence." Also, avoid repeating "condition" many times; use "illness," "health problem," or "case" when needed.
task response
You give a clear opinion that this is mostly a bad change, and you support it with two useful reasons: people may use the wrong care, and they may wait too long.
task response
You make a helpful point that doctors need years of study and work to find the real cause of an illness. This directly supports your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear focus, and the ending returns to your main view. This makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as "Furthermore" and "To conclude" to guide the reader through your ideas.
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