IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Many individuals complain that primary schools
focous
Correct your spelling
focus
 too much on formal learning.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 play was very crucial
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 students as well to enhance their
coginitive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 skills, mental development and for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
health
Use synonyms
. I totally agree with
this
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 statement
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 give
valid
Correct article usage
a valid
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 point in the upcoming paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To embark upon
,
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apply
show examples
 learning skills
along with
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 playing
Use synonyms
activity
Check wording
activities
show examples
 makes
Use synonyms
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 more capable in
conginitive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 factors and attain a better
health
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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, it will ASLO effect on the psychological development of the
child
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.
For instance
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, a survey was conducted by
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
" WORLD
HEALTH
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 ORGANISATION
''
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
,
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apply
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in 2010,
claim
Wrong verb form
claiming
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 children who participate in different activities apart from learning have 75% more capability to solve problems
other
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apply
show examples
than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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didnot
Correct your spelling
did not
 participate in any kind of
activity
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, these kinds of activities
also
Linking Words
 help in socialising children with other
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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,
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them
extrovert
Replace the word
extroverted
.
Also
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,
this
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 will enhance their confidence
power
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apply
show examples
.
Moreover
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,
this
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 could
also
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 prevent
infant
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infants
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 from the disease condition like obesity
due to
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 not having any kind of involvement in games
,
Correct word choice
or
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 play. To
epitome
Correct your spelling
epitomise
, a report was generated by,
''
Rephrase
apply
UNICEF'', shows 30% early
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 suffer from obesity
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of physical
activity
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
To recapitulate, learning skills
along with
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 playing
Use synonyms
activity
Check wording
activities
show examples
 will boost
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
overall
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 growth of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children.
Whereas
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, inactivity
leds
Wrong verb form
leads
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 them to several problems which
impact serious cause
Correct word order
have a serious impact
show examples
 on the
health
Use synonyms
 of a
child
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, introducing a specific period for these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of activities will help
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 in developing good mental
health
Use synonyms
 and coping
up the
Change preposition
with
show examples
 daily life problems.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree that schools may give too much time to formal study, and that play should be a key part of school life.
task response
Answer both parts of the question in a full way. Explain not only why play is useful, but also why formal learning is still needed. A balanced view will make your answer stronger.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and an example. For example, explain how team games can help children learn to share, wait, and work with others.
task response
Use examples that you can explain well. The WHO and UNICEF facts are not fully clear here. A simple school or class example may be more natural and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph on health and mind, one paragraph on social skills and balance, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add reasons and one example. Do not put too many different ideas in the same paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Good choices are “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “In conclusion”. Do not use “On the other hand” unless you are showing a different or opposite idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. For example: “Play also helps children make friends. Through group games, they learn to work with others.”
task response
You give a clear view that play is important for children, and you include ideas about health, problem solving, and making friends.
task response
You try to support your ideas with examples and facts, which shows good effort to make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking phrases, such as “For instance”, “Moreover”, and “To recapitulate”, to connect ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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