IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

more and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
As society evolves, there has been an ongoing debate regarding whether obesity is currently rising in prevalence because of fattening
foodstuff
Correct your spelling
food
. A group of individuals believe that the government should impose stricter regulations or put penalties on manufacturers which produced these products,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that these
foods
Use synonyms
 may not be affected too much.
Therefore
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, ahead of my perspectives, both views will be discussed
further
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.
Body paragraph 1
Examining the former opinion, the primary argument that supporters would put forward is that the government play an irreplaceable role in dealing with the solution of fattening
foods
Use synonyms
 would be highly beneficial.
This
Linking Words
 is because policymakers who have authority can adopt strong taxes on factories or businesses, which limits them produces these products that impact citizens' healthcare issues.
For example
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, when manufacturers would like to generate a new product, they are usually concerned about the price and the profit they would gain afterwards.
As a result
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,
the
Correct article usage
these
show examples
 reasons make them feel worried or stressed about the development of fattening
productions
Check wording
production
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
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, the advantages of fattening
foods
Use synonyms
 should not be underestimated. They claim the production of fattening
foods
Use synonyms
 would be balanced or mixed with the ingredient.
This
Linking Words
 occurs because they cannot eat or make dishes without being full of nutrients, the cuisines would be bad or lack spices. To illustrate, when the chief starts cooking a food without fattening substances, the dishes will make it unattractive.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 the government prevent the overweight from consuming fattening
foods
Use synonyms
 by applying penalties or high taxes on factories. I firmly believe that fattening products
also
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 bring a lot of merits for other ingredients,
such
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 as providing full nutrients or helping in cooking.

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task response
State your own view clearly in the first paragraph. The question asks if you agree that higher prices for fattening food can help. Your essay talks about taxes on makers, but it does not clearly say how far you agree with higher food prices.
task response
Keep your ideas on the exact question. The second main paragraph says fattening food can help cooking, add taste, and give food value. This does not show why higher prices would not help stop people becoming too heavy.
task response
Give clear reasons for each view. For example, higher prices may make people buy less fast food, but they may not work well for people with little money or if healthy food is still hard to buy.
task response
Use examples that show the link between price, buying habits, and health. Your example about makers worrying about profit is not clear enough and does not show that people will eat less unhealthy food.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view; one paragraph on why higher prices can help; one paragraph on limits or another solution; then a short conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, move from government action to taxes, then to higher prices, then to less buying. Do not jump between makers, factories, profit, and health without clear links.
coherence and cohesion
Start sentences with clear linking words such as “First”, “As a result”, “However”, and “For this reason”. Also use clear words like “this tax”, “these foods”, and “people” so the reader can follow your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the ending. It should directly answer the question, not add a new idea about food helping other food. Say clearly whether you agree, disagree, or agree only in part.
task response
You try to look at more than one side of the issue, and you give your own view in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. You also try to use links such as “For example”, “On the contrary”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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