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Band 5.5

The chart below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six science-related subjects at a UK university in 2009.

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The chart below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six science-related subjects at a UK university in 2009.
The chart illustrates the
numbers
Check wording
number
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 of
students
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 researching six scientific subjects at a UK university in 2009 seperated by gender.
Men
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 dominated in natural science majors
such
Linking Words
Physics
Change preposition
as Physics
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, Astronomy and Geology. In
physics
Correct article usage
the physics
show examples
 domain, there was the largest gap in
numbers
Check wording
the number
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 of researchers between
men
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 and
women
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. There
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 only around 45 female
students
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 working
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physics
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 the male
students
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 accounted for more than 5 times in the same
industry
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. The
numbers
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number
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 of male
students
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 in Astronomy and Geology was equal
with
Punctuation problem
, with
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 around 150
students
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. In
contract
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contrast
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, female student only made up less than half in those
Use synonyms
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
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. The gender gap in research
students
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 was narrow in biological subjects. There were 200
women
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 who
working
Verb problem
were working
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 on Biology. It was only less than 35 student when comparing to
men
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. In Medicine,
while
Linking Words
men
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 reached 200
students
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,
women
Use synonyms
alse
Correct your spelling
also
 made up 165
students
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.
However
Linking Words
, in veterinary medicine,
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of female
students
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 was higher than male. In summary,
natural
Correct article usage
the natural
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 science
industry
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 was still dominated by
men
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. It
more
Verb problem
is more
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 equal when moving to life science
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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women
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 took
the
Correct article usage
apply
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control in animal
industry
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, men, women, industry with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "numbers of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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