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Band 4.5

The rise of remote work has changed the way businesses operate. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this shift?

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Introduction
It is widely recognised that many businesses
remoted
Wrong verb form
have relocated
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 their
Use synonyms
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
 from offices to online platforms.
This
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 issue has generated significant discussion regarding the privileges and drawbacks of replacing their
Use synonyms
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
 from buildings to digital platforms.
This
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 essay will examine both aspects in detail to provide an objective analysis of the situation.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument concerning the main beneficial outcome of the digital system
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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reducing
Verb problem
is reducing
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 the cost for the employer. The primary factor behind
this
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 is that the employers don't need to rent or purchase a
Use synonyms
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
 for their employees.
As a result
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, higher profits and lower expenses
for the company benefit
Correct word order
benefit the company
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. A clear illustration of
this
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 can be seen in various businesses that changed their working method and
gained
Verb problem
achieved
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 their aims, which highlights the practical impact of
this
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 situation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another crucial factor to consider is that workers make most of their relationships with their
work
Use synonyms
 colleagues
while
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 cooperating
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face to
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
face
Use synonyms
.
This
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 can be addressed
due to
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 the fact that online platforms can't join people together as the
Use synonyms
face to
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
face
Use synonyms
 concept does, because of the far distance between employees.
Consequently
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,
this
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 issue
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 weak relationships among individuals.
For instance
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, recent studies in economics demonstrate that many of the digital workers don't even know the names of their colleagues.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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this
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 change has magnificent advantages for employers, it is equally important to address the huge relationship gap among employees. Ultimately, effective strategies should be implemented to manage
this
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 ongoing situation.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: one good side and one bad side. To make your answer stronger, add a second main point for each side, such as saved travel time for workers and less team work or less help for new staff.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. For example, say how lower office costs can help a business spend more on staff, tools, or lower prices.
task response
Your examples are too general. Use a clear example, such as a small company that saves rent money, or a new worker who finds it hard to learn from a team online.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, good side, bad side, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each body part start with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are unclear or not complete. Use short, clear links such as “This means that”, “As a result”, and “For example” only when the next sentence clearly follows.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “work place”, “online platforms”, and “situation”. Use simple alternatives, such as “office”, “remote work”, “this change”, and “this problem”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending give a short summary of both sides. Do not add a new idea about “effective strategies” unless you explain what those strategies are earlier.
task response
You stay on the main topic and discuss both the benefits and the problems of remote work.
task response
The cost point is relevant and easy to understand: firms may not need to pay for an office.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader that both sides will be discussed, and the ending returns to both sides.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph breaks and helpful signposts, such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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