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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some scientist thinks that there are intelligent life forms on other planets and message should be sent to contact them. Other scientists think it is bad idea and would be dangerous. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Some scientists believe that there are intelligent life forms
out of
Change preposition
beyond
show examples
 our earth and they can send
massages
Use the right word
messages
show examples
 to them.
While
Linking Words
 others from the same field say that it is not
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 idea and
also
Linking Words
 can be dangerous. I will discuss both views in balance
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 my personal view is in a conclusion
at the end
Linking Words
. But, personally, regardless of the benefits of discovering new life forms can be dangerous
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our
Use synonyms
astronomers's
Check wording
astronomers'
show examples
 lives.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, if there were other
beings
Use synonyms
 in our galaxy, they would
benefit
Verb problem
help
show examples
 us
to
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apply
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solve mutual
problems
Use synonyms
. Scientists have found
water
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 Mars. From
this
Linking Words
 point, if there were
beings
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 planet
used
Correct pronoun usage
who used
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this
Linking Words
water
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, they would face
problems
Use synonyms
 with their
water
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 like us. These
problems
Use synonyms
 can be droughts or
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
water
Use synonyms
 that human
beings
Use synonyms
 have faced worldwide. So,
human
Check wording
humans
show examples
 would know more solutions than we have right now, if we find those
beings
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, we can send our specialists to
this
Linking Words
 planet to search for these
beings
Use synonyms
 and benefit from their knowledge and history with these
problems
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
astronomers
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 can face black
holes
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space
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,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if
this
Linking Words
 happened, they would not come back to the earth. The
space
Use synonyms
 is
big
Correct article usage
a big
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 place and can have
unexpected
Punctuation problem
unexpected,
show examples
 dangerous situations
such
Linking Words
 as black
holes
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. These
holes
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 can be anywhere in the
space
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are invisible
for
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to
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 humans
according to
Linking Words
 scientists. If
astronomers
Use synonyms
 faced these
holes
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, they would go inside them without any control.
This
Linking Words
 can happen because these
holes
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 are able to pull anything
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. So, because these
holes
Use synonyms
 can be anywhere are possible for
astronomers
Use synonyms
 to face them during their road to
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 planet.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, the purpose of
Use synonyms
astronomers
Check wording
astronomers'
show examples
 journeys can be beneficial when it is possible to have new information to solve our crises.
However
Linking Words
, it becomes safer to send our
astronomers
Use synonyms
 to familiar destinations
such
Linking Words
 as the moon.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some
porposes
Correct your spelling
purposes
 of
astronomers
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'
journyes
Correct your spelling
journeys
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space
Use synonyms
 can have benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 our crises, if they
found
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 useful information about mutual crises on the earth. But they are likely to face black
holes
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 in any new
destination
Punctuation problem
destination,
show examples
 these
holes
Use synonyms
 can pull them inside without any control from them. So, it is safer to send them to familiar destinations

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, but the essay often changes the main task. The task is about sending messages to life in space. Much of your essay is about sending people to Mars. Keep your ideas about messages, contact, and the possible good or bad results.
task response
Make your own view clear in one short sentence in the start and again at the end. For example: “I believe sending a message is too risky because we do not know who may get it.”
task response
Give a more direct example for each side. For the good side, a reply may help us learn about science or life. For the bad side, a message may show our place to a life form that may not be friendly.
task response
Do not use black holes as the main danger. Black holes are a danger for space travel, not for sending a message. This example does not fully support your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and end. However, some parts are hard to follow because the ideas move from messages to travel. Use one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main sentence. Then explain it and give one example. For example: “One good reason to send a message is that contact may help humans learn new things.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple way. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” work well. Avoid adding “Otherwise” when the meaning is not clear. Use “However”, “As a result”, or “For this reason” only when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and closer to your view. Do not add a new idea about the moon there. Sum up the two sides, then state your choice.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show a good side, a bad side, and your own view.
task response
Your ideas about water on Mars and help with world problems show that you try to give real support for your points.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” helps the reader see the main parts of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present, so the essay has a clear beginning and end.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Extraterrestrial
  • Intelligent life forms
  • Technological advancements
  • Knowledge exchange
  • Fundamental questions
  • Universe
  • Intergalactic communication
  • Peaceful interaction
  • Hostile entities
  • Earth's security
  • Implications
  • Aggressive civilizations
  • Unintended consequences
  • Terrestrial issues
  • Non-human entities
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