IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

With growing populations in cities, more and more people live in homes with little or no outdoor space. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is often argued that overpopulation in metropolises is the leading cause of the housing crisis, leaving limited areas for balconies and lawns. I overwhelmingly believe that it is a negative development with fewer positive aspects.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 issue using examples from modern world cities and the latest published research studies to demonstrate my points and support arguments.
Body paragraph 1
One of the leading drawbacks, related to the limited outdoor arena availability in urban housing, is the bad impact on the
overall
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 health of the residents. People have limited access to fresh air and sunlight. There are
also
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 studies being performed at the global level to assess the impact of limited outdoor areas on the mental health of the inhabitants. To illustrate the importance of social well-being, there is ample scientific evidence from Canada, Australia, and European countries that those who have less access to natural air and confine themselves in a small space with less to no interaction with other members of society in their neighbourhoods
,
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apply
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 are fifty per cent more prone to psychological issues. It is
also
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 validated by one of the prominent health research institutes in the United States that having congested spaces in households is
also
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 contributing to the risk of brain hypoxia
as
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, as
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 well
in
Correct word choice
as in
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 the urban population.
However
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, at the other corner, it should not be forgotten that building structured houses with efficient space occupation is
also
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 necessary to manage the housing shortages, and hiked rents with more reasonable and economical housing options.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is widely warranted that the need for housing development and planning for efficient and sufficient outdoor space availability should be crucial for the mental and general well-being of the citizens.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you think this is a negative change. Keep this view clear in every body paragraph. The first body paragraph explains health problems well, but the point about cheap homes at the end is not fully developed. Add a second body paragraph that explains this possible good point, then show why the bad sides are still stronger.
task response
Give more direct and real examples. You name Canada, Australia, Europe, and the United States, but the examples are very broad. Explain one clear case, such as how a flat with no balcony can limit a child’s play or an older person’s time in the sun.
task response
Be careful with claims about research. Statements such as people being fifty per cent more at risk and brain hypoxia need a clear source and full support. In this kind of essay, a simple, believable example is often better than a big claim that is not explained.
task response
Your ending repeats the need for good planning, but it should answer the question more directly. Restate that this is mainly a negative change and briefly give the two main reasons.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, one main body paragraph, and an ending. However, it needs two separate body paragraphs so the reader can follow your ideas more easily: one for health and social life, and one for housing needs and why they do not outweigh the bad effects.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, replace “However, at the other corner” with “On the other hand”. Then explain the other side in a new paragraph, not at the end of the health paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and carry too many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow. For example, first state the health problem, then explain why it happens, and then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words through the essay. Choose simple phrases such as “outdoor space”, “small homes”, and “city residents”. Avoid changing them too often to phrases like “outdoor arena availability” or “natural air”.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the opening and stay mainly focused on the effects of little or no outdoor space.
task response
You include both sides of the issue by noting that homes must use space well to meet housing needs.
coherence and cohesion
The opening introduces the topic and your view, while the ending returns to city planning and people’s well-being.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas generally move from the problem of small homes to health effects, which gives the paragraph a clear main direction.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban density
  • public transportation infrastructure
  • social interaction
  • community bonding
  • mental well-being
  • urban biodiversity
  • urban heat island effect
  • energy-efficient
  • affordable housing
  • cramped living conditions
  • innovative architecture
  • interior design
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • quality of life
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