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Band 4.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
A certain
amount
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number
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 of individuals may argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning.
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Hence
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Hence,
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 I agree with
this
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 statement. Playing makes the
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 feel more excited to learn
and
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, and
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 it
also
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 helps
children
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 to be more
engaging
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engaged
 with people and new knowledge.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
children
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contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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 a lot of energy and are curious to learn many things in so many ways. The art of playing makes the
children
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fell
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feel
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 more
energectic
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energetic
 and happy to receive new knowledge.
For instance
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, teachers
that
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who
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 conduct their learning materials in the classroom
to
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by
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 playing games like online
quiz
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quizzes
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 or a platform called "
kahoot
Capitalize the proper name
Kahoot
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". It gives the
children
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 the urge to learn
as well as
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 the excitement of needing to maintain a great mood.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, it is important that the primary school
children
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has
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have
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 a balance in playing
as well as
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 learning
such
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 that it
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
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 the
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childrens
Check wording
children's
show examples
 connection with friends and teachers. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
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, they not only learn book materials but
also
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 improve
learning
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apply
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their social skills.
For example
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, making group activities in order to discuss a certain subject or topic given by the teacher.
Furthermore
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, being engaging to people helps encourage the
children
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 to gather and share new knowledge with their classmates and educators.
For example
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, asking questions in the classroom whenever they are lost or
dont
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don't
 understand a certain topic. These social skills help
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childrens
Replace the word
children
 learn to build their confidence.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is important that primary school
children
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has
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have
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 a great balance in playing
as well as
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 learning, as it can boost their excitement and mood,
while
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also
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help
Wrong verb form
helping
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 in connecting with other
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 and teachers to
enchance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 their social skills.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say how far you agree, for example: schools may focus too much on formal work, but reading, writing, and maths are still important.
task response
Answer both parts in full. Explain why play is important and also explain what kind of learning should still happen in class.
task response
Develop each main idea further. After the Kahoot example, explain how it helps children remember facts, take part, and enjoy the lesson.
task response
Use more direct examples. Group work and games are good examples, but show one clear class task and its result for children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, such as excitement, mood, and new knowledge. Add new points instead, such as teamwork, problem solving, and health.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a more natural way: 'First', 'Also', 'For example', and 'As a result'. Do not begin too many sentences with 'For example' or 'Furthermore'.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences clearer. For example, after group work, explain that talking with others can help children ask for help and share ideas.
task response
You give a clear view that play should be part of primary school learning.
task response
You use useful class examples, such as online quizzes, Kahoot, group work, and asking questions.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words to show the order of your ideas, such as 'To begin with', 'Moreover', and 'In conclusion'.
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