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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
It is widely recognised that some
people
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 believe that discipline should take place in flexible places
as
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, such as
show examples
 homes , and others believe that in strict and formal frameworks , like schools.
This
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 issue has generated significant discussion regarding where the best environment is to teach
children
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 how to be positive members of the community. In my view, I largely believe that
manners
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 should be taught at home, and
this
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 essay will examine both aspects to provide a comprehensive perspective.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument concerning making a confident and responsible person because of the smooth and soft methods
parents
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 use to discipline their
children
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. The primary reason for
this
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 is that the safe and warm place to go whenever young ones make mistakes is their
parents
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' home, because most of the families consider the emotions of their
children
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 first.
As a result
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, we get loyal adults who know how to deal with social and business problems. A clear illustration is the confidence that can be seen in many adults who were taught
manners
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 from their
parents
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, which highlights the practical impact of
this
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 situation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another crucial factor to consider is intelligence in cultured
people
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 who learned
manners
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 from strict and formal educational backgrounds.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that laws and rules of the schools make smart folks
but
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, but
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 without a real identity.
Consequently
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, they are hard workers but without a clear identity or any confidence in themselves.
For instance
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, recent studies in education demonstrate that the weakest
people
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 in social life are disciplined school learners.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 many
parents
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 prefer to teach their
children
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manners
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 by themselves to make them more confident
people
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, it is equally important to acknowledge that being smart and cultured is
also
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 a significant thing that helps to evolve the state. Ultimately, I firmly believe that
parents
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 have a bigger role in disciplining their
children
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.

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task response
Discuss the exact question: who should teach children to be good members of society. Do not change the main idea to discipline, confidence, or being smart.
task response
Explain clearly what parents can teach, such as kindness, respect, sharing, and care for others. Then explain what schools can teach, such as rules, team work, and respect for people from different homes.
task response
Give a clear view and support it throughout the essay. You can say that parents have the first and main role, while schools also help in a wider social setting.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The example about adults taught by parents is too general. For example, parents can teach a child to help an old neighbour or speak politely at home.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one view. The first paragraph should fully explain the parents' view, and the second should fully explain the school view.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. Some claims do not follow well, such as saying school rules make people smart but without identity. Explain why, or use a more direct point.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'. Avoid long sentences with many different ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending should match your view. State why parents are more important, while also saying how schools support them. Do not add a new idea about helping the state.
task response
You discuss both parents and schools, and you give your own view in the opening and ending.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, one paragraph for each side, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful signposts, such as 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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