IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that children given pocket money every week will have lesser money problems when they become adults. Do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
Children who get a weekly allowance from their parents are less likely to have financial problems in the future. I largely support
this
Linking Words
 view because of the potential benefits it provides.
Body paragraph 1
Getting pocket
money
Use synonyms
 helps to understand how to manage and plan
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
 finances. Since childhoodparents should explain the importance of savings, managing and
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 of it. Knowledge of calculating
money
Use synonyms
 and keeping
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
 for a special occasion,
such
Linking Words
 as
friends'
Correct determiner usage
a friend's
show examples
 birthday, helps to feel confident about managing
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
 budget.
This
Linking Words
 shows a value of wealth.
For instance
Linking Words
, to afford
wanted
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 toy a child was saving and spending
lees
Correct your spelling
less
 pocket
money
Use synonyms
 for 2 months,
as a result
Linking Words
, he bought it and got knowledge of managing. Without life
situations
Add a comma
situations,
show examples
 a kid is likely not to know how to manage
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Another important factor is to prevent possible management budget problems in the future. When kids don't
get a
Verb problem
have
show examples
 regular access to
money
Use synonyms
, they are more likely to overspend and to borrow
money
Use synonyms
 from an early age. Growing up with bad habits of throwing
money
Use synonyms
 away in the future leads to constantly
struggle
Wrong verb form
struggling
show examples
 with
money
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, an adult who has grown up without
money
Use synonyms
, but earns it
now
Punctuation problem
now,
show examples
 could still have habits,
such
Linking Words
 as
overspend
Replace the word
overspending
 or fear to spend
money
Use synonyms
. These reasons are examples of a lack of budget discipline
they
Correct pronoun usage
that they
show examples
 haven't had in
the
Correct article usage
their
show examples
 childhood.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fully agree with the idea of giving your
money
Use synonyms
 to a child once a week. Benefits
such
Linking Words
us
Use the right word
as
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 understanding of managing expenses from a small age and
avoid
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
 possible financial bad consequences,
such
Linking Words
 as overspending and not spending.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree. Keep this clear view from start to end. Explain more fully why a weekly amount teaches children to save, plan, and choose between needs and wants.
task response
Your first main idea is useful, but some parts are too general. Add one clear step: a child gets money, saves part of it, plans a buy, and learns not to spend all of it at once.
task response
Your second main idea needs more care. Not getting money does not always cause people to spend too much. Say it as a possible risk, not a sure result, and explain why practice with a small amount can help.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. For example, a child may save for a book or a toy over two months and learn to wait before buying it.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. Make each body part start with one direct main idea, then give reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because key words are missing. For example, write “children learn to manage their own money” instead of “manage and plan own finances.”
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the path of your ideas: “First,” “For example,” “As a result,” “However,” and “In conclusion.” Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same idea. Choose “pocket money” or “weekly allowance” and use it often, rather than changing to unclear phrases like “regular access to money.”
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion should repeat your main reasons in a clean way. Avoid unclear parts such as “not spending”; say “fear of spending” or remove the idea if you do not explain it.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion throughout the essay.
task response
You choose two relevant ideas: learning to save and plan, and building good money habits early in life.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph order is easy to see, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support both main ideas, which helps the reader understand your meaning.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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