IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, movies and computer games containing violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have negative effect on the society and should be banned, others, however, believe that it is harmless entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, many people believe that online platforms containing movies and video
games
Use synonyms
 with widespread violence have negative impacts on individuals and should be banned.
In contrast
Linking Words
, others believe that violent entertainment is acceptable for adults when used responsibly. In my opinion, individuals need to relax and educate themselves by engaging in sports and watching acclaimed movies moderately in their free time.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, violent
media
Use synonyms
 should be restricted to audiences above 18 to handle the various situations portrayed in video clips. Because people often use
media
Use synonyms
 to experience things they cannot do in reality—
such
Linking Words
 as Hollywood action scenes involving throwing knives or jumping between buildings—society might eventually
normalize
Change the spelling
normalise
show examples
 these
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, potentially leading to copycat actions in the future.
Moreover
Linking Words
, computer
games
Use synonyms
 have gained immense popularity among youth, which can trigger aggressive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 if played for long hours without parental control or age restrictions.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, playing digital
games
Use synonyms
 and watching thrilling movies can be considered harmless entertainment when managed properly. Adults are generally mature enough to distinguish between virtual fantasy and real life, meaning that action-packed
media
Use synonyms
 simply serves as a healthy outlet to release daily stress and pressure.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, many modern video
games
Use synonyms
 enhance cognitive skills, problem-solving abilities, and hand-eye coordination rather than solely promoting violence.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 violent
media
Use synonyms
 may carry potential risks for younger audiences if consumed excessively, it remains an acceptable form of adult entertainment when enjoyed with moderation and strict age ratings.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why some people think all violent films and games should be banned, not only limited by age.
task response
Your own view is clear, but one idea in the first paragraph is not fully linked to the question. Sport and well-known films may help people relax, but this does not directly show whether violent media is harmful.
task response
Use one clear, real-life example for each side. For example, explain how age checks can keep young children from games made for adults, or how a game can build problem-solving skills.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and conclusion. Keep this strong shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between some sentences clearer. In the first main paragraph, the move from film scenes to games is a little fast. Add a short linking sentence to show that both can affect young people in a similar way.
coherence and cohesion
The phrase "various situations portrayed in video clips" is not very clear. Say exactly what you mean, such as "violent acts shown in films and games." This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two shorter sentences when needed, so the main point is easy to see.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you show the case for a ban, the case for harmless fun, and your own opinion.
task response
Your points are on topic. The ideas about young people, age limits, stress, and skills all fit the subject well.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and the conclusion brings your view together well.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "In conclusion" to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: