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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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Introduction
It is often argued that the responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity should be taken by the government
instead
Linking Words
 of the
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 themselves. I will present my views on both sides and conclude with my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
There is a population of people who believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should be responsible for the rise in obesity. They might argue that places like parks, trails, etc., that prevent one from becoming obese are being gentrified by the government.
For example
Linking Words
, multiple grounds in Mumbai that were used by kids and young adults to play football are being handed over to real estate developers for
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of
sky scrapers
Correct your spelling
skyscrapers
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many believe that
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of cities is resulting in a loss of outdoor spaces
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 eventually leads to obesity.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, many individuals are of the belief that one should take responsibility
of
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for
show examples
 their own health.
These
Fix the agreement mistake
This
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 set of people often claim that one can make healthy eating choices, develop a healthy lifestyle that fits their schedule and do what's important for
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 body
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 eating the right amount of calories, being physically active or going to the gym to keep
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 muscles healthy,
avoiding
Correct word choice
and avoiding
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 highly processed foods like sugars.
For example
Linking Words
, multiple studies and research claim that walking 10000 steps everyday help manage weight efficiently.
Conclusion
In a nutshell
shell
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apply
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, I do believe that each individual should take responsibility
of
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for
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 their own
healthy
Replace the word
health
. I'm a strong believer
of
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in
show examples
 "health is wealth". Being healthy and taking care of your body not only keeps
your
Correct pronoun usage
you
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 physically healthy but
also
Linking Words
 helps with mental and emotional health.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why the state should act and why people should act. Your first main point is about parks, but the state can also control food ads, school meals, and health facts.
task response
Make your own view more clear in the end. You say people should take care of their health, but also say that the loss of parks can lead to obesity. State how the state and people can share the work, or say clearly why one side is more important.
task response
Use examples that directly prove each point. The Mumbai example is useful, but explain that fewer free places to walk, run, or play can make daily activity harder. In the second body part, give one clear real-life example of a person making better food and activity choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Use clearer topic lines at the start of each body part, such as: 'On the one hand, the state can help prevent obesity.' Then: 'On the other hand, each person also has a duty to stay healthy.'
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view in each sentence. In the second body part, you move from 'one' to 'your body'. Use one form only, for example: 'People can choose healthy food, exercise often, and avoid highly processed food.'
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences contain many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point. For example, separate healthy food, exercise, and avoiding processed food into three simple sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Check small wording errors that make the flow less clear: write 'responsibility for the increase in obesity', 'the government', 'skyscrapers', '10,000 steps every day', and 'In a nutshell' only once.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present the state view, the individual view, and your own opinion.
task response
Your example about public play areas in Mumbai is linked to the idea that people need places to be active.
coherence and cohesion
The main order is easy to follow: introduction, first view, second view, then conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as 'However', 'For example', 'Therefore', and 'In a nutshell'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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