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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe that success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think that it depends on factors such as money or personal appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is often argued that
success
Use synonyms
 comes from
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and
Use synonyms
determination
Punctuation problem
determination,
show examples
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 think it depends on
money
Use synonyms
 and
physcial
Correct your spelling
physical
appearance
Use synonyms
are
Correct pronoun usage
, which are
show examples
 more dependent
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
. In my opinion, efforts and persistence are more important for
long lasting
Correct your spelling
long-lasting
success
Use synonyms
 and achievements and become a independent
person
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 and
physcial
Correct your spelling
physical appearance
apperance
Use synonyms
 may create useful opportunities for
short
Correct word choice
short-term
show examples
 achievement.
Body paragraph 1
The autobiography of successful persons connects with
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and
determination
Use synonyms
. People who practice daily
form
Use the right word
from
show examples
 their work learn and improve mistakes
gradually
Punctuation problem
, gradually
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improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 in
growth
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 and knowledge.
Determination
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also
Linking Words
 prevents them from giving up when facing failures and setbacks in
goals
Correct determiner usage
their goals
show examples
.
Lets
Correct your spelling
Let's
 consider one example, a
person
Use synonyms
 starts
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 business and may face
financal
Correct your spelling
financial
 failures for a year but improves customer needs, build good product and
continue
Correct subject-verb agreement
continues
show examples
 doing
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 work inspite of may difficulites,
hence
Linking Words
owner
Correct article usage
the owner
show examples
 has
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 for making a profitable business at large scale.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 supports personal development, independent
growth
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 and
long term
Correct your spelling
long-term
success
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Punctuation problem
hand,
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 and
physcial
Correct your spelling
physical
appearance
Use synonyms
 give
success
Use synonyms
 in small period of time and within
comfort
Correct article usage
a comfort
show examples
 zone. Families provide
financal
Correct your spelling
financial
 security by giving higher education,
own
Correct determiner usage
their own
show examples
 networks and good facilities for
growth
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
dependent
Correct article usage
a dependent
show examples
 factor.
Use synonyms
Money oriented
Correct determiner usage
A money-oriented
show examples
 career can
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
wealth
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 upto certian amount
as
Change preposition
through the
show examples
 work done by a supportive system.
Physcial
Correct your spelling
Physical
appearance
Use synonyms
 is important in fashion industries, movies and media where
Use synonyms
apperance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 is given more importance
while
Linking Words
 selection of candities.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, neither
wealth
Use synonyms
 nor physical
appearance
Use synonyms
give guarantee
Verb problem
guarantees
show examples
 achievements.
Therefore
Linking Words
person
Use synonyms
 with
wealth
Use synonyms
business
Change preposition
in business
show examples
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 good judgement for
growth
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 with
physcial
Correct your spelling
physical appearance
apperance
Use synonyms
 needs good communication skills to remain successful.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
money
Use synonyms
 and physcial
apperance
Use synonyms
 gives
wealth
Use synonyms
in starting
Change preposition
at the start
show examples
 of
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
 for
short
Correct article usage
a short
show examples
 time.
However
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and
determination
Use synonyms
 have
long term
Correct your spelling
long-term
success
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 independent
person
Use synonyms
,
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
 from failures and
use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
show examples
 opportunities
effectievely
Correct your spelling
effectively
.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. This is good. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly why money can lead to success, not only give people a good start.
task response
Your main view is clear: hard work and determination matter more over time. Keep this view in each body part, and link every example back to it.
task response
The small business example is useful, but it is too long and has many ideas in one sentence. Use two or three short sentences to show the problem, the action, and the result.
task response
Be careful with very wide claims, such as saying money gives success only for a short time. Money can also help people build a business or get training. Say that it gives an advantage, but does not make success certain.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one part on hard work, one part on money and looks, and a conclusion. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they join too many points. For example, split long sentences with words like 'First', 'For example', 'However', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. Instead of 'The autobiography of successful persons connects with hardwork', write 'Many successful people show that hard work and determination are important.'
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'hard work', 'money', and 'physical appearance' too often. You can also use 'effort', 'wealth', 'looks', and 'these factors'.
coherence and cohesion
Check key words and sentence form. For example: 'hard work', 'physical appearance', 'financial', 'candidates', 'despite difficulties', and 'an independent person'. These changes will make the writing easier to read.
task response
You discuss hard work, determination, money, and physical appearance, so the main parts of the question are covered.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the introduction to the conclusion: effort and persistence are more important for success over time.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear focus, and the small business example helps show how determination can lead to growth.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'On the other hand', 'Nevertheless', 'Therefore', and 'However'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • determination
  • perseverance
  • success
  • innovation
  • resilience
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • networks
  • sustain
  • financial resources
  • safety net
  • first impressions
  • capability
  • relevant
  • fundamental elements
  • external factors
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