IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that young children should learn to use computers as early as possible. Others think it is better for children to spend their time on traditional activities, such as playing outside. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
These days, computers and tablets are a normal part of daily life. Some people think young
children
Use synonyms
 should start using them early,
while
Linking Words
 others believe
children
Use synonyms
 should spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on activities like sports and outdoor games. In my opinion, both are important, but
children
Use synonyms
 need a good balance between them.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are good reasons to introduce computers at an early age.
First,
Linking Words
most jobs today need basic computer skills, so
children
Use synonyms
 who learn them young will feel more confident in the future.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are many educational apps and games that make learning fun,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 apps that teach maths or new languages.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can learn faster and enjoy school more. Parents can
also
Linking Words
 guide them, so the
time
Use synonyms
 they spend on the screen is useful.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, traditional activities are very important for
children
Use synonyms
's health and development. Playing football or riding a bike keeps the body strong and helps prevent problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity. Too much screen
time
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 hurt their eyes and their sleep.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 play with other kids, they learn how to share, make friends and solve problems together.
For instance
Linking Words
, a child who spends hours alone on a tablet may find it difficult to talk to classmates at school.
Conclusion
In conclusion, computers can be very useful for learning, but outdoor activities are necessary for health and social skills. I believe parents should limit screen
time
Use synonyms
 and make sure their
children
Use synonyms
 do both

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your view even stronger, say more about how parents can make a good plan, such as time for study, play, and sleep.
task response
Your main ideas are clear and stay on the topic. Add one more clear example for computer use, such as a child using a maths app with a parent.
task response
Your ideas about health, school, and friends are good. You could also explain why early computer skill is useful in later life in a little more detail.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow: it has an opening, one part for each view, and a clear end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “For instance” helps the reader move through your ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
Some parts could be joined more closely. For example, after the point about learning apps, explain more directly how this helps children at school.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and clearly say that children need a balance.
task response
The example of a child spending many hours alone on a tablet is clear and helps show the point about social skills.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main job, so the reader can understand your ideas without effort.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph brings the main ideas together and gives a clear view about what parents should do.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: