IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people spend too much time using social media. What problems can this cause, and what solutions can you suggest?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
Nowadays, using a mobile
phone
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 & applications can lead to negative consequences on the individual’s health &
community
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. Any problem can have a solution to reduce the damage
of
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caused by
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 using it.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, using social
media
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 can result in negative consequences by affecting the eye’s vision & lead to dryness. Any individual should schedule a time to use the
phone
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with no
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without eye
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 damage
on the eyes
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apply
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by hydrating
it
Fix the agreement mistake
their eyes
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 with eye drops. Additional impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health will be heart attacks
, watching
Punctuation problem
. Watching the
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 latest news abundantly will keep the person nervous always &
this
Linking Words
 will significantly raise the blood pressure & can result in heart attacks & death
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 would be
minimized
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minimised
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 if the person
control & manage
Correct subject-verb agreement
controls and manages
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 tracking the news. Obesity is one of the most common issues related to highly using a
phone
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 & social
media
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 for the reason of less physical movement
while
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 watching
screens
Punctuation problem
screens,
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 that will be reduced if the individual keeps it away &
used
Wrong verb form
uses
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 it only for emergency.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it negatively affects the
community
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based on
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for
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 several reasons. When a child uses the
phone
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 with no control, his willingness to hang out with his friends will be less
due to
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 his time wasted on social
media
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 & be introverted
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will affect the
community
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 by being incoherent. Another reason that can happen because of social
media
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 is stealing
, social
Punctuation problem
. Social
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media
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 is a source of showing off what a person owns &
this
Linking Words
 affects the mentality of some individuals by pursuing what others have & easily grabbing it by stealing.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we should raise awareness of how to use social
media
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 with fewer negative consequences on health &
community
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 by sharing instructions
of
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on
show examples
 how to use.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Give clear problems first, then give clear ways to solve each problem. At times, the problem and the way to solve it are mixed in the same long sentence.
task response
Use ideas that are closely linked to social media. Eye pain, less exercise, and less time with friends are useful. The point about stealing needs more care, because it is not shown clearly how social media causes it.
task response
Explain each main idea with a short, real example. For example, say that a student may stay up late watching short videos, sleep less, and then feel tired at school the next day.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first main part is about health, while the second is about the wider group. A clearer plan would be: health problems, social problems, then solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter. Many sentences have too many ideas joined with “&”, “and”, or “that”. Use full stops to separate the problem, its result, and its solution.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the path of your ideas: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, “To solve this”, and “Finally”. Do not use “On the one hand” unless you also give a clear opposite side with “On the other hand”.
coherence and cohesion
The end repeats the main point, but it should name the key solutions more clearly, such as time limits, phone-free meals, and more sport or time with friends.
task response
You give more than one problem, including eye trouble, less movement, and less time with friends. You also try to give a solution for each point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses paragraphs and has an introduction and a conclusion. This helps the reader follow the main parts.
coherence and cohesion
Some cause-and-result links are clear, such as less movement while using screens leading to obesity.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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