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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

many children are overweight today. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this and give solutions to help these children

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Introduction
Children
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 are the key
for
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to
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 a brighter future. Child
obesity
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 has increased nowadays.
This
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 issue has
became
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become
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 worldwide.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
this
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 problem and how to solve it permanently.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why many
children
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 have become overweight nowadays.
Firstly
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,
children
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 are addicted to the internet.
For
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example
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, they spend all day surfing the internet and playing video games.
Also
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, they do not do any physical activity.
Secondly
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, junk
food
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 availability is a vital reason for
children
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's
obesity
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 can order from any restaurant just by using an application.
Moreover
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, restaurants depend on
children
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's online orders as their main income, which means that restaurants will provide them with many exclusive offers.
Finally
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,
parents
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' lack of awareness is a reason as well.
For
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example
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,
parents
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 do not complain about their
children
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 surfing the internet all day and not doing any kind of sport.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 do not realise that
obesity
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 is a serious problem that will put their
life
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lives
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 in danger in the future.
Body paragraph 2
There are some excellent ways to solve
this
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 serious health concern.
Firstly
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,
children
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 should play sports in their free time.
For
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example
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, doing low-intensity cardio sessions would help them to keep fit.
Also
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, they should do any sport that requires strong stamina.
Secondly
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,
children
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 have to pay attention to the
food
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 they eat.
For
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example
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, they have to eat healthy and organic
food
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 rather than eating empty calories.
Moreover
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, they have to avoid junk
food
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due to
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 its high calories.
Finally
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,
parents
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 have to participate in their
children
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's health.
For
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example
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, they must raise awareness for those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 suffer from
obesity
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.
Furthermore
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, it may cause death
and
Punctuation problem
,
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 affect their lives and change them completely.
For instance
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,
parents
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 must put limitations on their
children
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are many reasons that cause
children
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's
obesity
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.
However
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, there are many solutions we can take to end
this
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 issue and solve it for good.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give reasons and ways to help. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly how each reason leads to weight gain. For example, say that long hours online mean less movement, so children use less energy.
task response
Some ideas need to be more exact. “Doing low-intensity cardio” and “strong stamina” are not needed here. Use simple, clear ideas such as walking, cycling, team sports, and school games.
task response
Give solutions for more than one group. Parents are important, but schools and the state can also help by serving healthy meals, giving more sport time, and limiting ads for junk food.
task response
Avoid very strong claims such as obesity “may cause death.” It is better to say that it can lead to serious health problems later in life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph on reasons, one on solutions, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on two or three key points only.
coherence and cohesion
Use links with care. You often use “For example”, “Also”, and “Furthermore”. This can sound repeated. At times, join ideas with “because”, “so”, “as a result”, or “therefore” to show the link more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some examples do not fully support the main point. The point about restaurants needing online orders is not a clear reason for child obesity. Replace it with a direct point, such as cheap fast food, large meals, or food ads aimed at children.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each main paragraph sum up the point before moving on. This will help the reader follow your ideas more easily.
task response
You deal with both causes and solutions, and your ideas stay on the topic.
task response
You use useful real-life examples, such as video games, food apps, sport, and parents setting limits.
coherence and cohesion
The main body is easy to follow because you separate reasons from solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and your ending gives a clear final view.
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