IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, university students live at home with their families, while studying, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In some parts of the world,
students
Use synonyms
 live with their families during their studies,
while
Linking Words
 other
students
Use synonyms
 prefer moving to another city. In my view, the benefits of living away from home outweigh the drawbacks, as it teaches
students
Use synonyms
 independence and responsibility.
Body paragraph 1
Admittedly, some
students
Use synonyms
 who live alone might not plan their stay carefully.
For example
Linking Words
, a student may rent an apartment that costs a significant amount of money. Others may choose one on a busy street, where noise pollution affects their focus.
As a result
Linking Words
, they might become extremely anxious about how they will pay their bills, or they may be unable to focus on their studies.
However
Linking Words
, these problems can usually be avoided with careful planning,
such
Linking Words
 as choosing a shared apartment near the university.
Therefore
Linking Words
, these drawbacks are minor compared with the benefits.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 who move away from their families become more independent.
For example
Linking Words
, they learn to be responsible for small daily tasks,
such
Linking Words
 as shopping for groceries, cleaning their apartment and looking after their own health.
This
Linking Words
 can benefit them in the near future because they have already learned these priceless lessons, which saves them a significant amount of time. When they start their first job, they can focus fully on their work
instead
Linking Words
 of struggling to manage a home for the first time.
Therefore
Linking Words
, living away from home prepares
students
Use synonyms
 for adult life in a way that staying with their families cannot.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the advantages of studying in another city outweigh the disadvantages.
Although
Linking Words
 living alone can cause financial stress and distractions, these problems can be managed,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 the independence
students
Use synonyms
 gain will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, add one more reason for living away, such as meeting new people or learning to solve problems alone.
task response
Your ideas are well explained. The example about rent and noise is useful, but a more real and clear case could make it stronger, such as a student sharing a flat to cut costs.
task response
You deal with both sides of the question. Make the link to the question even clearer by saying why the long-term good is greater than the short-term problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. Each paragraph has one main idea, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words, such as “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “Therefore”, work well. Try not to use “Therefore” so often; use “This means” or “Because of this” at times.
coherence and cohesion
The move from the problems to the good points is clear. You could make the first main paragraph even smoother by putting the shared-flat answer directly after the cost problem.
task response
You answer the full question and give a clear opinion: living away from home has more good points than bad points.
task response
You explain how living alone can help students learn daily life skills and be ready for work.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are in a good order: problems first, then the stronger good points, and then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly repeats your main view and brings the essay to a natural close.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • responsibility
  • diverse experiences
  • social networking
  • academic focus
  • distractions
  • financial management
  • personal development
  • cultural exposure
  • networking opportunities
  • life skills
  • adulting
  • academic performance
  • environment dedicated to studies
  • obligations
What to do next:
Look at other essays: