In general, people do not have such a close relationship with their neighbours as they did in the past. Why is this so? Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is on going debate about why
people
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stopped having casual conversations with their
neighbours
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in recent years.
This
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is
due to
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the nature of their job, which
i
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I
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completely agree.
This
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essay will explain why.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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with, not too long ago, most
people
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's
neighbours
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were as close as family. In recent years, the financial burden has made
people
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glued to their work. In the USA,
for instance
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, a larg amount of children are growing up in foster homes, because their parents can not afford the living costs.
Furthermore
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, in the
last
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two decades, a mass migration has made the relationship bitter among communities.
Therefore
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, the
neighbours
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started having doubts,
this
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lead to
,
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apply
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distrust and disruption.
Thus
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, the closeness among house holders have chandged, and created discomfort.
Body paragraph 2
The primary reason why
i
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I
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support
this
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view is that
people
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are running every day to earn a living. Not too long ago,
for example
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, most
people
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's food options were limited to the local availability
, traditionally
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; traditionally,
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everyone used to sit with family and
neighbours
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together to have a proper meal.
However
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, the globlaization has transformed our food landscape.
Moreover
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, in the past, everyone used to know each other
,
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;
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due to
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the shortage of money or transportation, only a few
people
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migrated.
Hence
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, the living situation has affected the relationship among communities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the partnership between
neighbours
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has been distant because of their work schedules.
Therefore
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, I completely agree with the statement.
This
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is mainly because of the urge to earn money for survival and the mass migration.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons for the change, such as long work hours, less free time, more moving, and more online life. Then clearly say if you agree with the view and explain why.
task response
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. The first paragraph moves from work to children in foster homes and then to migration. These points need clearer links, or some should be removed.
task response
Use examples that directly show how neighbours become less close. For example, a person who leaves home early and comes back late may not have time to talk to people next door.
task response
The example about foster homes does not clearly prove that people are less close to neighbours. Use a more direct example or explain the link much more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and an end. Make the plan clearer: first explain the causes, then give your view with reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat, especially work, money, and moving. Add new support instead of saying the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. For example, "Therefore, the neighbours started having doubts" is not fully clear because it does not say who had doubts or why. State the cause and result in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph flow from one sentence to the next. You can use simple links such as "As a result", "For this reason", and "Another cause is" when the ideas truly connect.
task response
You give a clear view in the introduction and repeat it in the conclusion.
task response
You try to give real-life support, including work pressure and people moving to new places.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as "To begin with", "Furthermore", "However", and "In conclusion".
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