IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now one big traffic jam. How true do you think this statement is ? What measure can government take to discourage people from using their cars?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, it is observed that a great bloom of cars is
been notice
Wrong verb form
noticed
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
 is
primiraly
Correct your spelling
primarily
due to
Linking Words
 the increase in the purchase of cars resulting in a huge traffic congestion. I
personallly
Correct your spelling
personally
 agree
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that the numerous
amount of vehicles
Check wording
vehicle
show examples
 owners
has cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
have caused
show examples
this
Linking Words
 serious impact on the highway
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
 congestion
pollution
Punctuation problem
, pollution
show examples
 and
inhalling
Replace the word
inhalation
 disease.
Body paragraph 1
Above all
Linking Words
, the expansion of automobiles has led to pollution of the atmosphere
particularly
Punctuation problem
, particularly
show examples
 in big cities.
Due to
Linking Words
 the congestion of these automobiles, the accumulation of the gases exhausted by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
them will create a
clutter
Use the right word
large
show examples
 amount of toxic gases in the air
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is not a safe respiratory location.
For instance
Linking Words
, the city of losangeles has the most
reputated
Correct your spelling
notorious
 toxic atmosphere in the whole world
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 a
result
Punctuation problem
result,
show examples
 many humans will suffer from
bronchis
Correct your spelling
bronchitis
, lung attack
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 so on
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 increases the
quantity
Check wording
number
show examples
 of people in hospitals.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
occurance
Replace the word
occurrence
 of
this
Linking Words
 mostly
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
show examples
 the lifestyle of individuals. The reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
because as stucking around big
metropole
Check wording
metropolises
show examples
 increases the
program
Check wording
likelihood
show examples
 of people
changes
Wrong verb form
changing jobs,
show examples
 mostly at times,
thus
Linking Words
 they
mostly at times are
Correct word order
are mostly
show examples
 late.
For example
Linking Words
, a worker who
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to
experiencd
Correct your spelling
experience
 slodging will not be on time and if
much
Correct determiner usage
many
show examples
 characters that work with him or her in the same company
will
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
undergo
this
Linking Words
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
, therefore
show examples
 reducing the efficiency of
this
Linking Words
 enterprise.
Body paragraph 3
Otherwise
Linking Words
, A clear measure we can
adabt
Correct your spelling
adopt
 is by awaring on the drawbacks of traffic and applying the strategies on how to avoid it. Like,
Encouraging
Fix capitalization
encouraging
show examples
 people to use bicycles, increasing the cost of vehicles
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will reduce the purchase of cars, increasing the number of traffic lights in order to maintain an oragnised motors circulation.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree that
increase
Add an article
an increase
show examples
 in car ownership will result in pollution,
change
Add an article
a change
show examples
 on human-beeings lifestyle,
respiratory
Correct word choice
and respiratory
show examples
deasease
Correct your spelling
disease
 despite the fact that measures of awareness should be taken and strategies
establish
Wrong verb form
established
show examples
 for a
safety
Replace the word
safe
 motion.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task. You say that more cars cause traffic, air problems, and late workers. You also give ways for the government to cut car use. Make your main view clearer in the first part: say how far you agree and why.
task response
Use ideas that are more fully explained. For example, say how higher car costs may stop some people from buying cars, and how better buses and trains can give people a real choice.
task response
Some points are not fully linked to the question. More traffic lights may control traffic, but they do not always make people use cars less. Add ideas such as low-cost buses, more train lines, bike paths, car-free city areas, or a fee for driving in busy parts of a city.
task response
Check facts in examples. The Los Angeles example is useful, but do not make very strong claims such as 'the most toxic atmosphere in the whole world' unless you can support them. A simple, clear example is better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but give each body part one main idea. The first body part is about air problems; the second is about time and work. This is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words in a natural way. 'Above all' and 'Furthermore' are fine, but 'Otherwise' does not fit before the government measures. Use 'To reduce this problem,' or 'The government can take several steps,' instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. Some sentences have too many ideas, so the meaning is hard to follow. For example, explain traffic first, then air pollution, then health problems in separate sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for key ideas. Choose 'traffic jam' or 'traffic congestion' and use it in a clear way. Avoid unclear phrases such as 'a great bloom of cars,' 'stucking around big metropole,' and 'safety motion.'
task response
You cover both the effects of more car use and actions the government can take.
task response
You use examples about air problems and workers being late, which help show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You try to guide the reader with link words such as 'For instance' and 'Furthermore.'
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: