IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that older people are burden on society. Other believe that older people play an important role in the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Population
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 ageing has become an
increaingly
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increasingly
 important issue as
people
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 live longer and birth rates decline in many countries. Some
people
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 regard older
people
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 as a burden on
society
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,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe they make valuable contributions.
Body paragraph 1
Some
people
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 argue that older
people
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a
Verb problem
are a
show examples
significant burden on
sicety
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society
. Ageing populations can increase government
spedning
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spending
 on
walfare
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welfare
 and healthcare, as older
people
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 are more likely to require pensions, medical treatment, and long-term care. These costs can place considerable pressure on public finances, particularly when the number of elderly
people
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grow
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grows
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 rapidly.
Furthermore
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, a larger elderly
population
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 can reduce the
proprotion
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proportion
 of working-age
people
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. A smaller workforce may weaken economic productivity and tax
revenuse
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revenue
while
Linking Words
 increasing the financial responsibility placed on those who remain economically active.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, I believe that older
people
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 continue to play an important role in
society
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. They possess extensive life experience and knowledge that can be passed on to younger generations. Their guidance can help younger
people
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 make wiser decisions and understand valuable social and cultural traditions.
Moreover
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, older
people
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 can make practical contributions by helping with childcare and participating in voluntary activities. By supporting their families and contributing to community organisations, they can reduce pressure on working parents
while
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strenghtening
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strengthening
 social connections and providing valuable services.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 an ageing
population
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 can increase public expenditure and place economic pressure on the working
population
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, I believe older
people
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 remain meaningful members of
society
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. Their experience, family support, and community involvement can make
substantial
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a substantial
show examples
to
Check wording
contribution to
show examples
 both families and
society
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, add one real or clear example for each main point. For example, show how care costs affect a family or how a grandparent helps with child care.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some need more detail. Explain why older people’s life knowledge helps young people, and explain how this can help the whole community.
task response
Check the last sentence. “Can make substantial to both families and society” is not complete. Write “can make a substantial contribution to both families and society.”
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one side, the other side, and end. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear. You use words such as “Furthermore”, “However”, and “Moreover” well. You can also use simple links like “For example” to make support for each point easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each body paragraph has one main idea, then give a reason and an example. This will help the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
There are several spelling errors, such as “increaingly”, “sicety”, “spedning”, “walfare”, “proprotion”, “revenuse”, and “strenghtening”. These do not stop meaning, but careful checking will make the essay smoother to read.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain why some people see older people as a burden, why others see them as important, and you clearly state your own view.
task response
Your points are relevant and well chosen. Health care, pensions, work, family support, and volunteer work are all useful ideas for this topic.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow. Each paragraph has a clear purpose, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast well, especially when you move from the cost of an ageing population to the value older people bring to families and communities.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • an ageing population
  • public spending
  • healthcare costs
  • pension system
  • social care
  • financial pressure
  • depend on family members
  • labour shortage
  • remain independent
  • valuable experience
  • professional expertise
  • practical knowledge
  • childcare support
  • look after grandchildren
  • voluntary work
  • community involvement
  • a sense of purpose
  • intergenerational support
  • make a valuable contribution
  • active members of society
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