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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, owning a home rather then renting one is more important. What might this be the case. Do you this this is a positive or negative developement.

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Introduction
In many countries around the world,
house
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 is considered
as
Change preposition
a
show examples
 major life goal,
while
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 renting one is seen as
unfavourable
Add an article
an unfavourable
show examples
 alternative.
This
Linking Words
 preference can be attributed to several social and financial elements. In my opinion,
Linking Words
although,
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
owning
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 apartment, whether it is small or large, offers many
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
. Consequences can be negative
due to
Linking Words
 excessive importance given to
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, one of the major
developement
Correct your spelling
developments
 of
house
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 is that it offers
long_term
Rephrase
long-term
 financial security. Unlike renting,
mortgage
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a mortgage
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 does not guarantee direct
ownership
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.
Mortgage
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A mortgage
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 gradually increases the person's equity in a property. It offers
long_term
Rephrase
long-term
 financial and social stability.
In addition
Linking Words
, in many cultures, owning a home represents a
person
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person's
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 financial and personal achievement.
However
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, many people feel pressure from society or by famil members to have their own property
irrespective
Punctuation problem
, irrespective
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 of
renting
Correct word choice
whether renting
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 one is more practical.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, I believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it is a largely positive
developement
Correct your spelling
development
, which proves beneficial for families. The most
compellig
Correct your spelling
compelling
 reason is that
,
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apply
show examples
 individuals can live in a great environment without sudden rent increases.
Furthermore
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, owning a home becomes a
life long
Correct your spelling
lifelong
 investment and can
pass
Wrong verb form
be passed
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 on to future generations. Meanwhile,
house
Use synonyms
ownership
Use synonyms
 can become problematic
due to
Linking Words
 excessive debt.
As a result
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, it can
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 education and other productive activities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, owning a flat or
house
Use synonyms
 is considered
most
Add an article
the most
show examples
 important thing in life as people seen
this
Linking Words
 in the perspective of personal achievement. I am of the view that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 very crucial to have some sort of non-current asset as it is good for economic success.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain why home ownership is important, then clearly say if the change is mainly good or bad.
task response
Your main view is not fully clear. You call it positive, but you also say its bad effects can be serious. State that one side is stronger and keep this view through the whole essay.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and a simple real-life example. For example, a family may feel safe because rent cannot go up each year.
task response
Some ideas need more care. A mortgage can lead to ownership over time, but it does not mean renting is always less practical. Explain the difference clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two body parts, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each body part focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “One reason is…”, “Another reason is…”, “However…”, and “Therefore…”. Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the second body part easier to follow. Start with your main view, give one good point, then give one bad point, and explain which is more important.
coherence and cohesion
The ending should sum up your reasons and repeat your clear view. Avoid adding a new idea, such as “non-current asset”, at the end.
task response
You answer both questions and give reasons for why people want to own a home, such as safety, money, and family views.
task response
You include both good and bad sides, including stable living costs and the risk of debt.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are set out in separate paragraphs, which helps the reader follow the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The opening gives the topic and your general view, and the ending returns to the main point.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • home ownership
  • rental accommodation
  • a sense of security
  • rent increases
  • long-term investment
  • property value
  • financial stability
  • a permanent home
  • settle down
  • housing market
  • mortgage payments
  • take out a loan
  • financial pressure
  • build wealth
  • personalise a property
  • stable environment
  • local community
  • residential mobility
  • flexible lifestyle
  • social status
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