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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion?

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Introduction
In the
last
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 decade, some people believe that elementary schools are given too much
focus
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 on academic subjects,
while
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 some people believe
children
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 need to receive a balanced proportion between learning and playing. I fully agree that splitting the
focus
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 between learning and playing activities could increase
children
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's development in academic and non-academic skills.
Body paragraph 1
One main reason is that
children
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 in their early stages of developing their resilience could get bored easily. Focusing too much on academics often takes a toll on the students and makes it hard for them to concentrate on the lessons given by their teachers. Unusual teaching methods,
such
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 as playing a game in class, could help some students to gain their
focus
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 for recieve academic lessons.
As a result
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, students could receive the knowledge more effectively.
Body paragraph 2
Another compelling reason is that forcing
children
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 to study more in formal learning without letting them play could disrupt their development. Restricting their playing time and asking them to
focus
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 on formal education often
give
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puts
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 strain
to
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on
show examples
 their mental health and their personal development. In the early stages,
children
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 need to develop their personal traits that they could mostly
accuire
Correct your spelling
acquire
 by playing with their friends through social interactions. Social skills
such
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 as empathy and sympathy,
for instance
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, could be developed by interacting with each other through several activities.
Conclusion
To
summarize
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summarise
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, I firmly believe that balancing formal and informal learning could help
children
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focus
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 on receiving material from their teachers and improve their personal abilities that are beneficial for society.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree that schools focus too much on formal learning, then explain why play should have an equal place.
task response
Your two main ideas are clear: too much study can reduce focus, and play helps social growth. Develop each idea with one more clear step: cause, result, and a real school example.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, explain how group games can teach sharing, taking turns, and working with others, while also helping children return to class ready to learn.
task response
Be careful with the first body paragraph. A game in class is still part of learning, so make clear how it is different from formal learning and why it helps children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main paragraphs, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each point even clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a short main sentence. Then give the reason, an example, and the result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words carefully, such as “First,” “Also,” “For example,” and “As a result.” Do not repeat “often” too much in the same paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to read because of word choice. For example, write “schools place too much focus on academic subjects,” not “schools are given too much focus.” Write “receive” and “acquire” correctly.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it throughout the essay: children need both formal learning and play.
task response
The points about focus, mental health, and social skills are relevant to young children and answer the question well.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly repeats your main view and brings the two body points together.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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